Orton's Arm Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 This is a story about a reporter named Jack Hammer. Below are Jack's impressions of an undisclosed NFL team. Enjoy. ************** There was this guy sitting on a bench, with long, light brown hair, blue eyes, and slightly sunburned skin. He looked like he was in a jovial, amused mood at the moment, but could be downright frightening if you got him mad. I decided to stay on his good side. Behind him there was a woman, maybe in her early 20s. She had long brown hair; blue eyes, and freckles. Lots of freckles. She was dressed like a farm girl. She ran a huge horse's comb through that football player's long hair. "That football player is George Smith," a coach told me. "We used a third round pick on him in this past draft. George is currently our backup right guard. Our current starter is planning to retire at the end of the year. George is being groomed as his replacement," he added, as the young woman continued running a groom through his hair. George seemed confident, relaxed, and above all happy about being groomed. ************** ************* I spent several hours in the meeting room. I'd spend maybe ten or fifteen minutes meeting with a particular player, coach, or front office person. Then he'd leave, and someone else would come in to take his place. Sometimes there were two or three people from the team in there at once. Occasionally I'd look out the window. I'd noticed some personnel removing a small storage shed. Then, maybe half an hour later, I noticed them physically digging up and removing the lawn. Then they dug up the trees--at least all the trees I could see out that particular window. When I left the conference room for a bathroom break, I looked out a few other windows, and didn't see any evidence of additional landscaping changes. As I continued sitting in that conference room, I saw men plant new trees--a different species than the one they'd replaced. They added a new lawn: a different type of grass than the old lawn. They'd also replaced the storage shed. The new storage shed had a different shape, was a different color, and faced a different direction. As I was noticing all this, the head coach came in. "You're sitting in Steve Barnes' seat," he informed me. "We used a first round pick on Steve three years ago. Steve isn't meeting the expectations we'd had back when we drafted him. When we mentioned this to his agent, he said Steve might benefit from a change in scenery." As I pondered his words, it occurred to me that all the scenery visible from that particular window had, in fact, been changed. ************** ************* After the meeting room, I went to the sauna. A player was lying on his stomach; on a sort of cushioned table, like you might see at a doctor's office. A woman stood over him, massaging olive oil into his skin. It must be difficult for her to work in all this heat, I thought. I was a little surprised when she sprinkled salt onto the player's skin. I've never seen that done before, I thought. Maybe it's to replace some of the salt he lost from sweating. Then she grabbed some rosemary, and sprinkled that on too. After that it was other herbs: basil, marjoram, thyme, oregano. Then she massaged the player some more, with herbs sticking to her hands, the player's skin, and the table itself. It was quite a mess. The player sneezed a little when she started sprinkling pepper all over him. "That player there is Paul Jones," I was informed. "He's our middle linebacker. We drafted Paul six years ago. He's a seasoned veteran." I paused to consider those words as the woman sprinkled a hint of garlic powder over Paul's back. **************** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SactoBillFan Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Keep your day job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
l< j Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 As a courtesy to the other members of the board, please change the title of your post to more accurately reflect its contents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Over 29 years of fanhood Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 What's the joke? Are you the op laughing at me for clicking the link and beginning to read this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orton's Arm Posted November 22, 2013 Author Share Posted November 22, 2013 Since you guys don't seem to get what I was doing, I'll give you an answer key. Each of the three stories pokes fun at a football cliche. Below is a list of the cliches being made fun of: Story 1: player X being groomed as player Y's replacement. Literally. Story 2: a player benefiting from "a change in scenery." Story 3: a seasoned veteran Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyst Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 I do not know if I am in the mood to read this at this time... but I will, I promise. However, just by thread title alone, you know we have football humor. We're Bills fan. We have to have a sense of humor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 I got a better one: Lonnie Johnson vs. Green Bay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebandit27 Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Where do I apply to get the last 60 seconds of my life back. Horrible waste of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cash Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Oh come on guys. You never seen a corny pun before? I enjoyed the first and third ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DefenseWinzChampionshipz Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 As a courtesy to the other members of the board, please change the title of your post to more accurately reflect its contents. This! I'm mad that I even read the second short story. I most definitely didn't read the third. Where do I apply to get the last 60 seconds of my life back. Horrible waste of time. 60 seconds is ok. That means you stopped after the 1st story. Me on the otherhand,... Since you guys don't seem to get what I was doing, I'll give you an answer key. Each of the three stories pokes fun at a football cliche. Below is a list of the cliches being made fun of: Story 1: player X being groomed as player Y's replacement. Literally. Story 2: a player benefiting from "a change in scenery." Story 3: a seasoned veteran I think that was obvious sir. The "humor" part is hard to figure out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynical Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 The "humor" part is hard to figure out. That depends on where one looks for it. The slight humor of the puns were okay. The reactions to the puns ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orton's Arm Posted November 22, 2013 Author Share Posted November 22, 2013 Oh come on guys. You never seen a corny pun before? I enjoyed the first and third ones. It takes courage to say something positive about the OP in an environment like this. Cash, I have to give you a lot of credit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buftex Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 The op's "humour" on its' own is a bit too wordy to be funny...FAIL! On the other hand, look at the comedy gold it inspired! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICanSleepWhenI'mDead Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 Where do I apply to get the last 60 seconds of my life back. Horrible waste of time. Humor's subjective - - not everybody finds the same stuff funny. Take me for example. I find it hilarious that somebody who has written 3860 posts on an Internet message board (for a team that hasn't been to the playoffs in like 13 years) is complaining about having wasted an entire 60 seconds. Lighten up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebandit27 Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 Humor's subjective - - not everybody finds the same stuff funny. Take me for example. I find it hilarious that somebody who has written 3860 posts on an Internet message board (for a team that hasn't been to the playoffs in like 13 years) is complaining about having wasted an entire 60 seconds. Lighten up! I think it's pretty obvious what the implication is: some posts are worth reading because they are funny, thought-provoking, etc., while others are not. This one would be the latter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibs Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_4wjq2B4xk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Offside Number 76 Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 I thought they were pretty clever. And I liked "Jack Hammer's" wistful style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammered a Lot Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 What's the joke? Are you the op laughing at me for clicking the link and beginning to read this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orton's Arm Posted November 23, 2013 Author Share Posted November 23, 2013 I thought they were pretty clever. And I liked "Jack Hammer's" wistful style. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3rdand12 Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 Its a bye week . Nice and friendly wins over piss and vinegar everytime for us simply olde folk. Thanks for the break from a stressful day Edwards Arm : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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