BringBackFergy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 There is little I can offer that hasn't been discussed here, but if you come to find out this is your child, you need to commit yourself to being in the child's life as their father, and doing everything you can to help that child live a better life than the one you leave behind. If you let this child grow up thinking it is acceptable to bring a child into the world through one night stands and expired condoms, that pattern has a high rate of repeating itself. You've created a new cycle of irresponsible behavior and costly consequences that burdens others. We have enough people in the world burdening society with their irresponsible behavior and then showing their children that behavior is not only okay, but praiseworthy. Your responsibility moving forard is to break that cycle so your child doesn't make the same mistakes you did. I like how you sugar coat your comments. Try being a little more direct in life.
IDBillzFan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 But to be fair, the child of two attorneys wouldn't be a residual burden on the taxpayer. Until the child of two attorneys practices the same irresponsible behavior as a teen or adult, but this time isn't an attorney. Even if they're not a burden, you have to break the cycle you created. I like how you sugar coat your comments. Try being a little more direct in life. I am, though it's easier to be this direct on an anonymous off-topic message board dedicated to a perpetually low-ranking football team.
BringBackFergy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I am, though it's easier to be this direct on an anonymous off-topic message board dedicated to a perpetually low-ranking football team. Well put.
Juror#8 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Just wanted to say "thanks" to those who have been offering advice. I try to say thanks individually and to every post because you folks could be doing a mountain of other things besides responding to a sad sap narrative of someone that you only know through messages about sports and politics. So thank you. I have a client conference now. But I'll be checking this thread and responding to everyone who was kind enough to opine. And please feel free to be as candid and brutally lucid as you can be. That's what's missing from friends and family right now. And folks here have no reason to sugar coat ****. Thanks a third time.
mrags Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Until the child of two attorneys practices the same irresponsible behavior as a teen or adult, but this time isn't an attorney. Even if they're not a burden, you have to break the cycle you created. i was just going to say: as a Correctional Officer in the New York State Prison System, until the kid grows up with one parent and becomes a burden on society with criminal activity. Financial issues aren't the only issues with single parents.
Juror#8 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Until the child of two attorneys practices the same irresponsible behavior as a teen or adult, but this time isn't an attorney. Even if they're not a burden, you have to break the cycle you created. I am, though it's easier to be this direct on an anonymous off-topic message board dedicated to a perpetually low-ranking football team. Very, very true. This will be done right. I'm just a little lost right now. And I'm unaccustomed to that. i was just going to say: as a Correctional Officer in the New York State Prison System, until the kid grows up with one parent and becomes a burden on society with criminal activity. Financial issues aren't the only issues with single parents. Very true and good point. The child will be raised and loved by both parents. He/She is not going to feel situationally wanted.
IDBillzFan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I'm just a little lost right now. And I'm unaccustomed to that. One could argue you've been lost long before now, but that your actions from being lost are catching up with you. Regardless, there is only one thing to do now...keep moving forward. And do everything you can to make your actions positive. And hey...you're already doing positive things by posting here. You're the second person this week who posted something that served to remind me how good I have it, So you have that to start with.
WotAGuy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) It was done for selfish reasons. Stress related to trying to have a baby. Work schedule stress. And someone was there who was attentive and not stressful. There is no physical or sexual attraction as odd as that sounds. It was just a break. And now all thoughts are around the good old days. Like a smart man once said, I REALLY wish there was a way to know you're in the "good old days" before you've actually left them Your stress "excuse" just makes your actions that much more disturbing. Who, other than a sex addict or a drunk maybe, has sex with someone where there is no physical or sexual attraction? It was "just a break"?? It sounds like you might be rationalizing and not looking at what's really going on with you. When a man loves a woman, the man doesn't go mindlessly bang another chick when his partner is struggling with fertility issues and is at her most vulnerable. Maybe you were put off by all the fertility stuff, and it took all the "excitement" out of "sex", and you wanted some sexual excitement, perhaps? We're guys and we are wired that way. But if you'll do that to your partner when she is at her most vulnerable, do her a favor and put the relationship on hold until you sort out the underlying issues you may have. I write this out of concern for all involved, not to make you feel bad. I just think you are blowing off the real issue that has reared it's head, and hope you can address it. Edited June 26, 2013 by WotAGuy
NoSaint Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Heres an attempt to be brutally honest, while considerate as well (ill write this as you, as its a bit of a pain to write in hypotheticals to an unknown party) first up, you screwed up. you know it, i know it, your significant other knows it, your mistress knows it, those close to you will know it, and odds are one day the child in question will know it. i know that feeling is awful, but you know what? its not the end of the world. we all mess up, lots of people know it, and as others have mentioned its how you deal with it. most importantly - the mistake in this case isnt the child, it was being unfaithful. dont let the child become the mistake.
Doc Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree with examining the real reason you cheated. And you may find that while you like a lot of things about the woman you've been with for 8 years, you don't truly love her and you just don't want to break it off because you're a nice guy and that would be mean. That's not to say you love the mother of your child either. But as others have said, make sure you take care of and be with your child, and don't let him experience (or didn't experience) what you did.
NoSaint Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree with examining the real reason you cheated. And you may find that while you like a lot of things about the woman you've been with for 8 years, you don't truly love her and you just don't want to break it off because you're a nice guy and that would be mean. That's not to say you love the mother of your child either. But as others have said, make sure you take care of and be with your child, and don't let him experience (or didn't experience) what you did. you are a part of that childs life, for life, no matter what you do - so do everything you can to make it good. the women involved may come and go. if they are meant to be there, they will be there while you care for the child.
Doc Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree with examining the real reason you cheated. And you may find that while you like a lot of things about the woman you've been with for 8 years, you don't truly love her and you just don't want to break it off because you're a nice guy and that would be mean. That's not to say you love the mother of your child either. But as others have said, make sure you take care of and be with your child, and don't let him experience (or didn't experience) what you did. Sorry, that should read "(or not experience)."
BillsFanM.D. Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Just a few thoughts and I apologize if I'm in the blind here but.....I remember you telling a few great stories about your mom and how she shaped you into 'who you are.' As far as one (I) can see through the monitor, you seem like someone equipped to deal with a difficult challenge. -if you're mom is still living, perhaps seek her advice. If not, accept my apologies, and think about what advice she would give you if she were here. It seems from the stories you've shared in the past, she wasn't one to ever lead you down a bad road. More importantly, think about her parental impact on you. Model that behavior with your children in the future. Absolutely 'buy in' as a parent. Nothing is a greater challenge or reward. -Seek, but don't expect forgiveness (at least not right away). Do your best to focus on the positives. 'Now' is probably the worst of this situation as the wounds are fresh. Each new day will give you an opportunity to put your transgressions further behind you....and allow you to make amends the best you can. -get help if you need it. You've already alluded to that. It's good that you have that insight.... and that you recognize the need and role for 'outside' perspective.
Fezmid Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 !@#$, this is hard. twss - and is how you got into this mess. (sorry, I have nothing to contribute other than humor. )
NoSaint Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 The fiance is the choice - if she continues to be ok given the circumstances.The fear is if she falls out of love because of this, and then the mom would have moved on emotionally as well. That is such a disquieting thought. and even if they all move on... another will come along. one that will be getting involved knowing that you have a child, and exes and imperfections. it sounds cold to the ones we love but dont forget its a pretty big world out there and there are a million more that will love you given the opportunity.
Jauronimo Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 and even if they all move on... another will come along. one that will be getting involved knowing that you have a child, and exes and imperfections. it sounds cold to the ones we love but dont forget its a pretty big world out there and there are a million more that will love you given the opportunity. A lot of them are ugly though. Ugly and stupid. Also, fat. Lots of fat ones. But millions nonetheless, and despite their appearances their love is just as beautiful. I guess.
DC Tom Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Don't have much advice to add, as it would just be rather repetitive. I would only add that everyone's personal values and ethics are different, and the one consistent rule in that regards that I've found is simply: you're doing the right thing when you can sleep soundly at night. Yeah, "you" !@#$ed up. The past is past, and can't be changed. It's what "you" do going forward that matters. Mistakes don't make the man, it's responding to them that does.
The Poojer Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 such a simple concept, but i know it took me a real long time before i could convince myself of that...that was one of the contributing factors in my failed marriage. Sure I made mistakes, but it seemed I was never able to not have them thrown back in my face every step...that doesn't do much to help you in looking past 'transgressions' and you start to question yourself...since being divorced I have been able to put all of that in my rear view mirror and I can focus on today and tomorrow and use yesterday to guide me.... and for the record my 'transgressions' were stupid decisions no where on the level of this story...mostly money and how it was handled...but transgressions nonetheless Yeah, "you" !@#$ed up. The past is past, and can't be changed. It's what "you" do going forward that matters. Mistakes don't make the man, it's responding to them that does.
Jauronimo Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 such a simple concept, but i know it took me a real long time before i could convince myself of that...that was one of the contributing factors in my failed marriage. Sure I made mistakes, but it seemed I was never able to not have them thrown back in my face every step...that doesn't do much to help you in looking past 'transgressions' and you start to question yourself...since being divorced I have been able to put all of that in my rear view mirror and I can focus on today and tomorrow and use yesterday to guide me.... and for the record my 'transgressions' were stupid decisions no where on the level of this story...mostly money and how it was handled...but transgressions nonetheless The emu farms got you too? They look so damn easy on paper, its like "how can I not make money raising emus? Its a sure thing." Then reality sinks in when you're staring a 6' tall bird in its beady little eyes and you're thinking "I don't even know what the f@#$ you eat!"
The Poojer Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 hahahaha.....i wish...it was always just stupidity on my part... The emu farms got you too? They look so damn easy on paper, its like "how can I not make money raising emus? Its a sure thing." Then reality sinks in when you're staring a 6' tall bird in its beady little eyes and you're thinking "I don't even know what the f@#$ you eat!"
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