Advice Welcomed...please

[mrags]

 

 

Lol!

 

Thanks man.

 

Reading all this is more helpful than you know.

 

Mom is too sympathetic talking about "people make mistakes." Dad is talking about his indiscretions. Friends are talking about how to get out of it.

 

All that **** is background noise. Someone needs to hear the truth from people, unencumbered by familiarity and family associations.

 

Thanks again.

admitting you were wrong was the first thing to do. Sounds like you did it. Which brings me to the 2nd point. The cover up is always worse than the crime. Own up to it and love with the consequences. It better than keeping secrets and such.

 

Oh, point 3 is to get my address and mail me the rest of your watches. After all, I've been more help to you in this post than that damn waiter was.

[Juror#8]

Try to save your relationship, but you must respect her wishes and live with your actions. She doesn't owe you anything. Get the paternity test.

 

I'm sure it seems like all is lost, but the one thing that cannot be taken away from a man is ability to choose how he responds in any situation. You're going to have to carry some weight, for a while. It is going to suck, but you're going to have to find a way to make peace with yourself. Forgive yourself for what you were not yesterday, and vow to be better tomorrow.

 

Also, stop name dropping. Why do I know what suits you wear, what shirts you prefer, what watch you had, and what purse your girlfriend owns? Not a good look for a man of 39 years of age. You're about to be a father, for !@#$s sake. Grow up.

 

You're right about everything and awesome quote. I have to remember that.

 

As far as the name dropping...really not for chutzpah - was really typing stream of consciousness. And the Vera Bradley purse is hardly a "name drop" - bought from Leesburg outlets for $38. Same with the Runner - 07 with 1xx,xxx miles. Bought it to keep miles off the Shel....err....won't name drop.

 

Definitely trying to save my relationship. Roses are on the way to her at her work spot right now. She's a nurse at a hospital. *Fingers Crossed* that they deliver them.

[Gugny]

Without elaborating, I can tell you that I can relate to what you're going through. The best advice I can give:

 

Take the paternity test.

Be honest with everyone. Take responsibility. Take your lumps.

With everything bad, there is something good. Find what is good. Embrace it.

Realize that good people do bad things. Every day. I don't know you, so I don't know if you're a good person or not. That's for you to decide. If you are a good person, then this doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.

Think through every decision thoroughly; don't do anything rash.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep your head up.

[Juror#8]

I am empathetic, as someone who made many such mistakes in my marriage that caused incredible pain and harm to both sides.

 

But from that experience I also have a question - if you are so in love with your partner of 8 years, as you describe, why would you act out in that fashion? There's something wrong with that picture, and before you commit to making amends and proclaiming your everlasting dedication to her after all this....you might want to figure out why you put yourself in this position in the first place.

 

Trust me, I had to make these analyses and decisons myself, and I found it was impossible to have a healthy, loving, caring relationship until I sorted through my schitt.

 

As others have pointed out, there are higher priority issues to address, but keep that question in mind. Your responsibility to the child and the child's mother needs to be addressed first and foremost. Legal advice is imperative so you know where you stand, and what your legal responsibilities are. If you have a faith, consult someone you trust to talk about your moral responsibilities dictated by your faith.

 

You cannot make your partner feel any better about this, no matter what you say or do. The best thing you can do for her is to get your emotional house in order and figure out if your professed love for her is real or not. If she is willing to stay with you, you should make up your mind sooner than her about whether you want and can continue to be with her. Otherwise, let her go and find someone who can love her the way she needs to be loved.

 

You have a great deal of courage to fess up to all this to family, friends and your anonymous family here. That honesty will serve you well as you move forward.

 

God bless you!

 

It was done for selfish reasons. Stress related to trying to have a baby. Work schedule stress. And someone was there who was attentive and not stressful. There is no physical or sexual attraction as odd as that sounds. It was just a break.

 

And now all thoughts are around the good old days. Like a smart man once said, I REALLY wish there was a way to know you're in the "good old days" before you've actually left them.

 

Can you let us know the day and time you're going to be on Maury?

 

But seriously I feel for a ya bro. In the end it'll work out. I think you need to talk to that psychiatrist sooner than later. Your stress level is only going to get higher the longer this goes on.

 

The best thing you can do is be a great father to this kid if it's yours. Doesn't matter if it's from the wife or the goomah is still a part of you.

 

Funny thing is, the situation completely reminds me of a Maury scenario. And who wants that - especially with their first pregnancy experience.

 

But it's not the baby's fault. It is an innocent character in this narrative. It's just that it would have been SO MUCH EASIER without that baby factor. Honesty still would have been the bill of fare, but without all the dramatics.

[Jauronimo]

You're right about everything and awesome quote. I have to remember that.

 

As far as the name dropping...really not for chutzpah - was really typing stream of consciousness. And the Vera Bradley purse is hardly a "name drop" - bought from Leesburg outlets for $38. Same with the Runner - 07 with 1xx,xxx miles. Bought it to keep miles off the Shel....err....won't name drop.

 

Definitely trying to save my relationship. Roses are on the way to her at her work spot right now. She's a nurse at a hospital. *Fingers Crossed* that they deliver them.

Just busting your balls about the labels.

 

I cannot recall where that line originated or where I picked it up but its one I've repeated to myself more times than I'd care to remember and I've found comfort there in dealing with nasty things from the past.

[BringBackFergy]

Without elaborating, I can tell you that I can relate to what you're going through. The best advice I can give:

 

Take the paternity test.

Be honest with everyone. Take responsibility. Take your lumps.

With everything bad, there is something good. Find what is good. Embrace it.

Realize that good people do bad things. Every day. I don't know you, so I don't know if you're a good person or not. That's for you to decide. If you are a good person, then this doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.

Think through every decision thoroughly; don't do anything rash.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep your head up.

Agreed.

[Juror#8]

Without elaborating, I can tell you that I can relate to what you're going through. The best advice I can give:

 

Take the paternity test.

Be honest with everyone. Take responsibility. Take your lumps.

With everything bad, there is something good. Find what is good. Embrace it.

Realize that good people do bad things. Every day. I don't know you, so I don't know if you're a good person or not. That's for you to decide. If you are a good person, then this doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.

Think through every decision thoroughly; don't do anything rash.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep your head up.

 

Thank you for this.

 

Especially the bolded. Methinks it's good advice for anyone.

 

Trying not to do anything rash. Reading these thoughts are so incredibly calming and meaningful. It's good to know that others have been through this and can give good advice about the journey. It's good to know that others care about some jackass stranger a world away from them whose begging for advise.

 

Thanks.

[Juror#8]

Just busting your balls about the labels.

 

I cannot recall where that line originated or where I picked it up but its one I've repeated to myself more times than I'd care to remember and I've found comfort there in dealing with nasty things from the past.

 

Its all good bro. Thank you for the advice.

[The Poojer]

so does this other woman want to carry on a relationship with you? does she simply want to raise the baby, with you in the baby's life but not a romantic relationship with you?

[mrags]

so does this other woman want to carry on a relationship with you? does she simply want to raise the baby, with you in the baby's life but not a romantic relationship with you?

good question.

 

What if she's holding you hostage here? Maybe she really doesn't want it. Maybe she knows you have money (you do have 2 Rolex's) and really wants an abortion but wants to make you pay her off. All possibilities. After all, you were wearing a condom.and not that it's a guaranteed fact, but considering she had sex with a man in a long term relationship, she could be a slut.

Edited June 26, 2013 by mrags

[NobesBLO13]

Just to reiterate what others have said it's better to be honest with all parties and own it.

 

To give you an extreme example, a good female friend of mine hooked up with an ex and became pregnant. She gave birth to a baby girl in October of last year.

To this day the father has not told his family or other daughter (who is 16) that he has a kid. This man is a coward and has resorted to alcohol to deal with his 'mistake' instead of being a man. I feel no sympathy for the guy because he can't own it, blames the mom for not aborting.

Ironically his two daughters, one he's a father to and one he wants to pretend doesn't exist, have the same birthday.

 

[Juror#8]

so does this other woman want to carry on a relationship with you? does she simply want to raise the baby, with you in the baby's life but not a romantic relationship with you?

 

Ok...this is gonna sound REALLY !@#$ed up. And it feels ****ty typing it....

 

Someone strongly considered offering her $20,000 to keep the name off the birth certificate and just making up a name for the certifcation of paternity.

 

That should tell you the level of discomfort over ruining a perfect little world.

 

When that seemed like a seethy option, it was time to tell the fiance - who proceeded to ask whether or not she would take money to anonomize the father?

 

She is an attorney with her own practice so $20,000 probably wouldn't budge her. Sadly, that was the most compelling reason for not making that offer. Cause more can't be offered, comfortably, right now.

 

The future mom says that she doesn't just want support, she wants to be a family. She ABSOLUTELY wants to be in a relationship. And texts it often - along with ultrasound pics and little baby Buffalo Bills clothes and play toy pics. She is a Redskins fan but says she will change for the sake of a family. lol. She is unmarried in her early 30s. Her clock is out of control.

 

Just to reiterate what others have said it's better to be honest with all parties and own it.

 

To give you an extreme example, a good female friend of mine hooked up with an ex and became pregnant. She gave birth to a baby girl in October of last year.

To this day the father has not told his family or other daughter (who is 16) that he has a kid. This man is a coward and has resorted to alcohol to deal with his 'mistake' instead of being a man. I feel no sympathy for the guy because he can't own it, blames the mom for not aborting.

Ironically his two daughters, one he's a father to and one he wants to pretend doesn't exist, have the same birthday.

 

That sucks. But sadly, "someone" thought about just paying support and not acknowledging the child.

 

Financial responsibilities MUST be met. But a relationship is not necessary - was someone's rationale.

 

But that's horrible. And every child deserves two parents.

 

But those cowardly thoughts were there. Selfish more than anything - because it !@#$s up an otherwise comfy lifestyle, relationship, and existence.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Juror#8

[TakeYouToTasker]

Another fatherless black child is not a solution.

 

Don't be a stereotype.

[mrags]

 

 

Ok...this is gonna sound REALLY !@#$ed up. And it feels ****ty typing it....

 

Someone strongly considered offering her $20,000 to keep the name off the birth certificate and just making up a name for the certifcation of paternity.

 

That should tell you the level of discomfort over ruining a perfect little world.

 

When that seemed like a seethy option, it was time to tell the fiance - who proceeded to ask whether or not she would take money to anonomize the father?

 

She is an attorney with her own practice so $20,000 probably wouldn't budge her. Sadly, that was the most compelling reason for not making that offer. Cause more can't be offered, comfortably, right now.

 

She says that she doesn't just want support, she wants to be a family. She ABSOLUTELY wants to be in a relationship. She is unmarried in her early 30s. Her clock is out of control.

well, the best thing to do right now IMO. Is this:

 

If she says she ABSOLUTELY wants a family and be in a relationship and you don't want a relationship with her in that way and want your wife/GF/fiancé. You need to tell her that you might be a father to the child. You might support financially with the child. You might do whatever you need to do to be a good father. But you will NEVER be in a relationship with her.

 

It seriously sounds like she has dreams of her own and might be trying to make you change your life. Making you make a wrong decision. Breaking up your current relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't put it past her to lie about the baby being yours. You never know. Just hope for that test to prove that.

[The Poojer]

ouch...that kind of complicates things even more...just know that you aren't going to resolve this today, tomorrow, next week or next month...clear your head. Like others have said...get things straight in your head, perhaps 2 sets of counseling are in order. You and your present woman. You and the pregnant woman. Y'all need someone with no emotional ties to listen and facilitate things. See if that is an option...going to both of them, individually, and proposing that may open up a ton of avenues of communication to all involved.

 

Ok...this is gonna sound REALLY !@#$ed up. And it feels ****ty typing it....

 

Someone strongly considered offering her $20,000 to keep the name off the birth certificate and just making up a name for the certifcation of paternity.

 

That should tell you the level of discomfort over ruining a perfect little world.

 

When that seemed like a seethy option, it was time to tell the fiance - who proceeded to ask whether or not she would take money to anonomize the father?

 

She is an attorney with her own practice so $20,000 probably wouldn't budge her. Sadly, that was the most compelling reason for not making that offer. Cause more can't be offered, comfortably, right now.

 

She says that she doesn't just want support, she wants to be a family. She ABSOLUTELY wants to be in a relationship. She is unmarried in her early 30s. Her clock is out of control.

 

 

 

That sucks. But sadly, "someone" thought about just paying support and not acknowledging the child.

 

Financial responsibilities MUST be met. But a relationship is not necessary - was someone's rationale.

 

But that's horrible. And every child deserves two parents.

 

But those cowardly thoughts were there. Selfish more than anything - because it !@#$s up an otherwise comfy lifestyle, relationship, and existence.

[BringBackFergy]

Juror - I know it isn't the right approach and I try to catch myself from doing it in my approach to life, but take a look at others and see where they are in their walk of life: Aaron Hernandez has a little girl and looks like he will be incapacitated for a rather long time...talk about a fall from grace. How about Bernie Madoff...same idea. The countless individuals who have killed, raped, torched and terrorized others. You made a mistake, but you are human (as Fig stated). I am not condoning the "Hey, look at that guy over there, his life sucks" approach, but when you really look at what you have, you may find that you have many more blessings in life than seem apparent right now. I guess what I'm saying is - things could be worse.

[Taro T]

Saddened to learn that you're in this situation.

 

Nothing really to add here except that the people saying that the focus should be on the baby are IMHO right.

 

Especially until the PT, do what you can to try to keep your existing relationship going. Afterwards, if she's still willing to work with you, keep working on it. Sometimes the huge challenges turn into opportunities; if you stay together it could make your relationship stronger.

 

Stay on good terms (as good as you reasonably can given the circumstances) with the pregnant one. If the baby is yours, own up to your responsibilities to that baby, (sounds like you're already doing that / planning on continuing to do it) but don't necessarily commit to marrying the mother. Commit to staying in that baby's life - IIRC, you grew up in a single parent household and know how tough that can be, but don't commit to staying in the mother's life. If the baby is yours, maybe with time you and her will want to be together, but ending up in a marriage that you don't want because it's the 'right thing' will eventually most likely have you hating the mother, the mother hating you, or both. Not the best environment for a child.

 

Good luck with it. If it isn't yours, I hope the mother finds the real father and he becomes a part of the kid's life. If it is yours, well, it sounds like you are willing to accept responsibility - I hope that continues.

[Juror#8]

Another fatherless black child is not a solution.

 

Don't be a stereotype.

 

Child will be white and black - black dad, white mom.

 

But your point is well taken and a fatherless child won't be happening in this scenario.

 

ouch...that kind of complicates things even more...just know that you aren't going to resolve this today, tomorrow, next week or next month...clear your head. Like others have said...get things straight in your head, perhaps 2 sets of counseling are in order. You and your present woman. You and the pregnant woman. Y'all need someone with no emotional ties to listen and facilitate things. See if that is an option...going to both of them, individually, and proposing that may open up a ton of avenues of communication to all involved.

 

The fiance is the choice - if she continues to be ok given the circumstances.The fear is if she falls out of love because of this, and then the mom would have moved on emotionally as well.

 

That is such a disquieting thought.

 

Juror - I know it isn't the right approach and I try to catch myself from doing it in my approach to life, but take a look at others and see where they are in their walk of life: Aaron Hernandez has a little girl and looks like he will be incapacitated for a rather long time...talk about a fall from grace. How about Bernie Madoff...same idea. The countless individuals who have killed, raped, torched and terrorized others. You made a mistake, but you are human (as Fig stated). I am not condoning the "Hey, look at that guy over there, his life sucks" approach, but when you really look at what you have, you may find that you have many more blessings in life than seem apparent right now. I guess what I'm saying is - things could be worse.

 

A friend recently said the same thing - there is always worse and you can see that every day, just turn on the tv.

 

I keep contextualizing this issue - and it makes it much easier to put in perspective.

[IDBillzFan]

There is little I can offer that hasn't been discussed here, but if you come to find out this is your child, you need to commit yourself to being in the child's life as their father, and doing everything you can to help that child live a better life than the one you leave behind. If you let this child grow up thinking it is acceptable to bring a child into the world through one night stands and expired condoms, that pattern has a high rate of repeating itself.

 

You've created a new cycle of irresponsible behavior and costly consequences that burdens others. We have enough people in the world burdening society with their irresponsible behavior and then showing their children that behavior is not only okay, but praiseworthy. Your responsibility moving forard is to break that cycle so your child doesn't make the same mistakes you did.

[Juror#8]

Saddened to learn that you're in this situation.

 

Nothing really to add here except that the people saying that the focus should be on the baby are IMHO right.

 

Especially until the PT, do what you can to try to keep your existing relationship going. Afterwards, if she's still willing to work with you, keep working on it. Sometimes the huge challenges turn into opportunities; if you stay together it could make your relationship stronger.

 

Stay on good terms (as good as you reasonably can given the circumstances) with the pregnant one. If the baby is yours, own up to your responsibilities to that baby, (sounds like you're already doing that / planning on continuing to do it) but don't necessarily commit to marrying the mother. Commit to staying in that baby's life - IIRC, you grew up in a single parent household and know how tough that can be, but don't commit to staying in the mother's life. If the baby is yours, maybe with time you and her will want to be together, but ending up in a marriage that you don't want because it's the 'right thing' will eventually most likely have you hating the mother, the mother hating you, or both. Not the best environment for a child.

 

Good luck with it. If it isn't yours, I hope the mother finds the real father and he becomes a part of the kid's life. If it is yours, well, it sounds like you are willing to accept responsibility - I hope that continues.

 

Thanks Taro.

 

yep, grew up in a single parent household. My mom reminded me of that. And told me how difficult it was on her. And reminded me that we told her "Happy Mother's Day" and "Happy Father's Day." And reminded me that there is only one picture with my father - as a newborn - until I was in college.

 

Don't want that same thing for baby.

 

!@#$, this is hard.

 

There is little I can offer that hasn't been discussed here, but if you come to find out this is your child, you need to commit yourself to being in the child's life as their father, and doing everything you can to help that child live a better life than the one you leave behind. If you let this child grow up thinking it is acceptable to bring a child into the world through one night stands and expired condoms, that pattern has a high rate of repeating itself.

 

You've created a new cycle of irresponsible behavior and costly consequences that burdens others. We have enough people in the world burdening society with their irresponsible behavior and then showing their children that behavior is not only okay, but praiseworthy. Your responsibility moving forard is to break that cycle so your child doesn't make the same mistakes you did.

 

The brutally lucid comments are appreciated. And you are absolutely correct with respect to the appropriate response.

 

But to be fair, the child of two attorneys wouldn't be a residual burden on the taxpayer.