Advice Welcomed...please

[Juror#8]

Any advise:

 

For someone who was happily in an 8 year relationship

 

For someone who, despite being happy, was unfaithful...with a colleague

 

For someone who just found out that the same colleague was having a baby

 

For someone to whom, the colleague claims, she hasn't been with anyone else - "it's yours."

 

For someone, to whom, the colleague insists on a paternity test, that she'll pay for, because she has no doubt and often says "it would be physically impossible for it to be anyone elses."

 

For someone who used a condom, but because the condom was in the glove box for years with a 2010 expiration date, and had been exposed to every conceiveable range of atmostpheric extremes within that time, someone who is unsure of the effectiveness of the condom

 

For someone who was told he had Varicoceles and that could impact his ability to have children

 

For someone who believed this because, in 39 years, he had no children

 

For someone who told the woman, with whom he's shared an 8 year relationship, and she was distraught to the point of throwing up and despondence

 

For someone who cheated on the woman who did nothing wrong and didn't deserve to have her life turned up-side-down

 

For someone who was trying, for 6 years, to have a baby, with his significant other, both of whom had gone to accupunturists, gone to fertility clinics, endured clomid and metformin regimins, taken Clear blue easy ovulation kits daily for two weeks every month for 2 years hoping, often times crying, for a blinking or solid "smiley face," and were in the process of discussing IVF.

 

For someone who hasn't been able to sleep, has panic headaches, and who can't keep food down as a result of seeing "that should have been our baby" written hundreds of times on unopened mail in her Vera Bradley purse

 

For someone who drove to Front Royal, VA and contemplated running his 4Runner into a tree - twice

 

For someone who left his Rolex Submariner as a tip to his waiter because he feels like a piece of garbage and doesn't deserve anything nice

 

For someone who believes that their relationship of 8 years will continue but is unsure if the woman in the relationship will be able to handle that same someone having to make child support payments

 

For someone who can't think past Wednesday except to think about a collateral attack to challenge jurisdiction and avoid/prolong court ordered paternity testing

Edited June 26, 2013 by Juror#8

[TakeYouToTasker]

Take the paternity test, and if it's yours, make your child support payments and, equally importantly, be a father.

 

It's not the child's fault you made a poor decision.

 

As to your partner, you'll likely lose her over this, but you can't allow her to be hateful, spiteful, or uncaring towards your child.

[Guffalo]

Wow, thats a lot of advise requested, but two things jump out,

1- This is not worth ending your life over. There may be some painful times ahead, but removing yourself from the equation leaves more losses than resolutions. Not only does your partner of 8 years lose you, the (potential) child will never know you other than an obituary or news story they find when they dig into the question "who was my Dad".

2 - Go for the paternity test, if the child is yours, then you work out the rest of the plan, but if it is not your child, then you have a better understanding of who you were with. If you are indeed the father, then options can be many, Pay support, adopt with your partner, but be there with the kid if at all possible.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Guffalo

[BringBackFergy]

Hey Juror - I can only assume this person you speak of is you. If so, and I know this is easier said than done, please look at the big picture: your life is made up of many ups and downs, victories and defeats, but in the end, your character is built not on what you may have done, but how you responded to adversity when it meets you face to face. Don't back down from it, don't take your life or injure yourself. Address the issue step by step. Seek counsel from a professional psychiatrist and try to mend the relationship with the 8 year partner. Very sorry to hear about this but keep plugging along...this is a good board, but written words can only go so far. Talking to a professional feels good and usually helps (many have done it including myself). I also assume you are an attorney (probably civil litigation from what I gather from your posts). I was in civil litigation for years before the stress took a toll on my health and family...so I switched to a small general practice. In the end, you work in order to make a living, but don't live to work. Your relationship with your long term partner, your own family and your own health are important....take it step by step.

[Juror#8]

Wow, thats a lot of advise requested, but two things jump out,

1- This is not worth ending your life over. There may be some painful times ahead, but removing yourself from the equation leaves more losses than resolutions. Not only does your partner of 8 years lose you, the (potential) child will never know you other than an obituary or news story they find when they dig into the question "who was my Dad".

2 - Go for the paternity test, if the child is yours, then you work out the rest of the plan, but if it is not your child, then you have a better understanding of who you were with. If you are indeed the father, then options can be many, Pay support, adopt with your partner, but be there with the kid if at all possible.

 

Thanks. "Someone" doesn't want to take their life though. Just find something that hurts more to stop thinking about the hurt they've caused.

 

Take the paternity test, and if it's yours, make your child support payments and, equally importantly, be a father.

 

It's not the child's fault you made a poor decision.

 

As to your partner, you'll likely lose her over this, but you can't allow her to be hateful, spiteful, or uncaring towards your child.

 

You're absilutely right. The colleague said that at the ultrasound the baby was a sack with a dot. Though I know the end game, it's hard to think about undermining 8 years of relationship happiness for a sack with a dot.

 

Hey Juror - I can only assume this person you speak of is you. If so, and I know this is easier said than done, please look at the big picture: your life is made up of many ups and downs, victories and defeats, but in the end, your character is built not on what you may have done, but how you responded to adversity when it meets you face to face. Don't back down from it, don't take your life or injure yourself. Address the issue step by step. Seek counsel from a professional psychiatrist and try to mend the relationship with the 8 year partner. Very sorry to hear about this but keep plugging along...this is a good board, but written words can only go so far. Talking to a professional feels good and usually helps (many have done it including myself). I also assume you are an attorney (probably civil litigation from what I gather from your posts). I was in civil litigation for years before the stress took a toll on my health and family...so I switched to a small general practice. In the end, you work in order to make a living, but don't live to work. Your relationship with your long term partner, your own family and your own health are important....take it step by step.

 

Thank you for the kind words. Whether the person is me or not, reading these words over and over again puts thing in a good perspective.

 

Also, talking to a psychiatrist is likely high on the priority list.

 

Rationalizing running a truck into a tree to teach oneself a lesson is not the most healthy mindset.

 

Thanks again.

[The Poojer]

just some ramblings...i'll probably come up with other nuggets as time goes on, but first and foremost

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

if that someone is committed to their partner of 8 years, try like hell to make amends...there is a good chance it won't work out, but there is a small chance and it seems like that person is worth putting forth that effort.

 

talk to the pregnant person(i assume its a chick), and find out her intentions...does she want to be with you? is she willing to co-parent? sounds like she wants the baby and I would never suggest abortion(personally not an option for me).

 

through all this, make it as good as it can possibly be for this soon to be new born, they didn't choose to come into the world this way, but make it work for him/her, give him/her every possible option to grow up a happy person with tons of potential, no easy feat.

 

keep your head and wits about yourself...in the end this isn't a horrible thing...sure you may lose a lover, we all do. Sure there will be new responsibilities, personal, civil and financial, but we all deal with them, if the worst thing you will be facing is working harder to bring a productive child into the world, you are in pretty good shape.

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

good luck and just know that you may lose some people around you, but most will stay and they will be invaluable in terms of being there as a support team...someday you will look back on this and realize that with the exception of a few weeks/months of heartache, everyone will come out on the other side better off.

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

[BringBackFergy]

just some ramblings...i'll probably come up with other nuggets as time goes on, but first and foremost

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

if that someone is committed to their partner of 8 years, try like hell to make amends...there is a good chance it won't work out, but there is a small chance and it seems like that person is worth putting forth that effort.

 

talk to the pregnant person(i assume its a chick), and find out her intentions...does she want to be with you? is she willing to co-parent? sounds like she wants the baby and I would never suggest abortion(personally not an option for me).

 

through all this, make it as good as it can possibly be for this soon to be new born, they didn't choose to come into the world this way, but make it work for him/her, give him/her every possible option to grow up a happy person with tons of potential, no easy feat.

 

keep your head and wits about yourself...in the end this isn't a horrible thing...sure you may lose a lover, we all do. Sure there will be new responsibilities, personal, civil and financial, but we all deal with them, if the worst thing you will be facing is working harder to bring a productive child into the world, you are in pretty good shape.

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

good luck and just know that you may lose some people around you, but most will stay and they will be invaluable in terms of being there as a support team...someday you will look back on this and realize that with the exception of a few weeks/months of heartache, everyone will come out on the other side better off.

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

Pooj - I love ya man and agree with your post but didn't know why you qualified the "pregnant person" with "I assume it's a chick"...is there another possibility?

[The Poojer]

i can't be 100% serious on this board...i always have to add my own little light hearted twist somehow...

 

Pooj - I love ya man and agree with your post but didn't know why you qualified the "pregnant person" with "I assume it's a chick"...is there another possibility?

[mrags]

Do what's best for the unborn child, and the mother. That doesn't mean you don't love your wife. It just means your being a man and father.

 

I really couldn't even imagine how you must feel and how bad this could mess up 4 people's lives. But in the end, how you handle the situation, is all that matters.

 

Things like driving a truck into a tree won't do anything. I know the feelings though. I've been there myself before. But you've got to move on. You've got to persevere.

 

And as a watch collector, the next time your looking to give away a ROLEX. Give me a call. Ill mow your lawn for like a month if it makes you feel better about giving it away to someone who has performed some kind of service.

 

Stay strong brother. You will get through this. Just do the right thing. And let me know next time your going out to eat, ill grill you some steak. My tip jar can be an 8 slot watch winder if that's ok.

[BringBackFergy]

i can't be 100% serious on this board...i always have to add my own little light hearted twist somehow...

I figured you were jerkin around but since this thread was kind of serious, I wasn't sure. Got it. Also, doing what's best for the unborn child is absolutely right...support, love, nurturing. Spot on.

[Juror#8]

just some ramblings...i'll probably come up with other nuggets as time goes on, but first and foremost

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

if that someone is committed to their partner of 8 years, try like hell to make amends...there is a good chance it won't work out, but there is a small chance and it seems like that person is worth putting forth that effort.

 

talk to the pregnant person(i assume its a chick), and find out her intentions...does she want to be with you? is she willing to co-parent? sounds like she wants the baby and I would never suggest abortion(personally not an option for me).

 

through all this, make it as good as it can possibly be for this soon to be new born, they didn't choose to come into the world this way, but make it work for him/her, give him/her every possible option to grow up a happy person with tons of potential, no easy feat.

 

keep your head and wits about yourself...in the end this isn't a horrible thing...sure you may lose a lover, we all do. Sure there will be new responsibilities, personal, civil and financial, but we all deal with them, if the worst thing you will be facing is working harder to bring a productive child into the world, you are in pretty good shape.

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

good luck and just know that you may lose some people around you, but most will stay and they will be invaluable in terms of being there as a support team...someday you will look back on this and realize that with the exception of a few weeks/months of heartache, everyone will come out on the other side better off.

 

DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE UNBORN CHILD!

 

Thank you for those thoughts. Please feel free to post more as you think of them.

 

Asking for brutal lucidity here.

 

I think that someone is struggling with losing his 8 year relationship. The way she dances. The way she laughs. Coming home to her vaccuuming to "Dirty Diana, or "Thriller" blasting in the background. Rolling up a magazine that's on the coffee table and acting like it's a microphone to sing along.

 

It's the little **** like that that hurts the most to lose. The little insignificant memories. Living in a Nissan Sentra together for 3 weeks after law school until getting that first paycheck. Impromptu road trips to Hamlin, MN because, according to her, "they never put those McDonalds Monopoly winning game pieces in one consolidated area. We have to branch out."

 

You feel that you'll never have it with anyone else.

 

It's such selfish thinking.

 

The unborn child should be the priority - but it's difficult not think that it's an albatross on a happy little existence right now.

 

Edit: The unborn child WILL be the priority

Edited June 26, 2013 by Juror#8

[TakeYouToTasker]

The relationship wasn't undermined by "a sack with a dot". It was undermined by the the deliberate actions of one of the parties to the relationship. These deliberate actions created "a sack with a dot". Furthermore, there are some good odds that this "sack with a dot" becomes a human child, or atleast I'm told that's the science.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, and I'm incredibly sympathetic to your position, but that's the reality.

 

As for the real solutions? There are no ideal ones. You'll have to work with what you have. I would suggest, however, that you start with you God and your family. That's what you'll need to lean on.

[KD in CA]

Not much you can do to reduce the P-test stress; it is what it is and when you find out the answer you'll be able to feel more settled in that at least you'll know the direction you need to travel.

 

If it's yours and you can't talk her in an abortion, not much choice other than to man up and write the checks and figure out how much of a relationship you'll want to have with the child.

 

The relationship part is pretty much up to your gf to decide. The too late advice is that you should have gone for the IVF earlier since it really does work (and, obviously not to !@#$ your collegue).

 

 

Good luck; don't forget you've got 4 people to think about here. You won't get through it if you don't figure out how to take care of all 4.

[Juror#8]

Do what's best for the unborn child, and the mother. That doesn't mean you don't love your wife. It just means your being a man and father.

 

I really couldn't even imagine how you must feel and how bad this could mess up 4 people's lives. But in the end, how you handle the situation, is all that matters.

 

Things like driving a truck into a tree won't do anything. I know the feelings though. I've been there myself before. But you've got to move on. You've got to persevere.

 

And as a watch collector, the next time your looking to give away a ROLEX. Give me a call. Ill mow your lawn for like a month if it makes you feel better about giving it away to someone who has performed some kind of service.

 

Stay strong brother. You will get through this. Just do the right thing. And let me know next time your going out to eat, ill grill you some steak. My tip jar can be an 8 slot watch winder if that's ok.

 

#14060 No date. Gahhh!

 

It made somone smile though, doing something nice for some poor bastard dealing with ungrateful patrons...just cause.

 

Reality is, it's probably on ebay right now.

 

But there is a DSSD in the stable so all is not lost.

 

The relationship wasn't undermined by "a sack with a dot". It was undermined by the the deliberate actions of one of the parties to the relationship. These deliberate actions created "a sack with a dot". Furthermore, there are some good odds that this "sack with a dot" becomes a human child, or atleast I'm told that's the science.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, and I'm incredibly sympathetic to your position, but that's the reality.

 

As for the real solutions? There are no ideal ones. You'll have to work with what you have. I would suggest, however, that you start with you God and your family. That's what you'll need to lean on.

 

I really appreciate the brutal lucidity. It's actually needed and appreciated.

 

Friends are saying that Misoprotosol in a drink never hurt anyone. Even received advice on beating a paternity test if the administrator allows you to swab your mouth yourself. Someone doesn't *personally* believe in abortion, and trying beat a paternity test seems idiotic. So those ideas suck.

 

Praying on this hard bro. Really, really praying.

 

Not much you can do to reduce the P-test stress; it is what it is and when you find out the answer you'll be able to feel more settled in that at least you'll know the direction you need to travel.

 

If it's yours and you can't talk her in an abortion, not much choice other than to man up and write the checks and figure out how much of a relationship you'll want to have with the child.

 

The relationship part is pretty much up to your gf to decide. The too late advice is that you should have gone for the IVF earlier since it really does work (and, obviously not to !@#$ your collegue).

 

 

Good luck; don't forget you've got 4 people to think about here. You won't get through it if you don't figure out how to take care of all 4.

 

Thanks KD.

 

Yea, the IVF was on the horizon. Someone's count was high but motility was only at 29%. She had to lose about 20 pounds - and was 7 pounds into it.

 

This changes the game.

 

This was the second of two weeks to be "together." Was trying L-Arginine, Zinc, and Co Q 10. Last night she was disgusted with someone and started crying as she laid down.

 

I can't blame her.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Juror#8

[mrags]

If you want to keep the one you love. You've got to go out of your way batchit in love. I mean apologize as much as you can. Buy flowers every single day. Tell her you made the biggest mistake of your life. Even though she won't believe you, tell her you'll never do it again. Tell her how much you hurt. Tell her you hurt because you have done this to her.

 

She most likely feels this way because women want to be the only one. They don't even want your eyes wondering. They want to feel that you only have feelings for her. You broke that trust. You've for to earn it back. It can, and it will be like it was before. But it's going to take time. It might be a long time, it might not. But you've for to do everything you can to show her that she's all you want. And your gonna have to do it every day until she takes you back.

 

If she doesn't take you back, keep trying. You'll know when it's been too much and it's over. Usually it'll end police calls and stuff like that for harassment.

 

I really wish you the best if luck man. I have been in similar situations and its not fun. And damn you about that watch.

[TakeYouToTasker]

I really appreciate the brutal lucidity. It's actually needed and appreciated.

 

Friends are saying that Misoprotosol in a drink never hurt anyone. Even received advice on beating a paternity test if the administrator allows you to swab your mouth yourself. Someone doesn't *personally* believe in abortion, and trying beat a paternity test seems idiotic. So those ideas suck.

 

Praying on this hard bro. Really, really praying.

I'll add mine to yours. You'll get through this, and at the end you'll be stronger and better for having done so.

[Juror#8]

If you want to keep the one you love. You've got to go out of your way batchit in love. I mean apologize as much as you can. Buy flowers every single day. Tell her you made the biggest mistake of your life. Even though she won't believe you, tell her you'll never do it again. Tell her how much you hurt. Tell her you hurt because you have done this to her.

 

She most likely feels this way because women want to be the only one. They don't even want your eyes wondering. They want to feel that you only have feelings for her. You broke that trust. You've for to earn it back. It can, and it will be like it was before. But it's going to take time. It might be a long time, it might not. But you've for to do everything you can to show her that she's all you want. And your gonna have to do it every day until she takes you back.

 

If she doesn't take you back, keep trying. You'll know when it's been too much and it's over. Usually it'll end police calls and stuff like that for harassment.

 

I really wish you the best if luck man. I have been in similar situations and its not fun. And damn you about that watch.

 

Lol!

 

Thanks man.

 

Reading all this is more helpful than you know.

 

Mom is too sympathetic talking about "people make mistakes." Dad is talking about his indiscretions. Friends are talking about how to get out of it.

 

All that **** is background noise. Someone needs to hear the truth from people, unencumbered by familiarity and family associations.

 

Thanks again.

[NobesBLO13]

Can you let us know the day and time you're going to be on Maury?

 

But seriously I feel for a ya bro. In the end it'll work out. I think you need to talk to that psychiatrist sooner than later. Your stress level is only going to get higher the longer this goes on.

 

The best thing you can do is be a great father to this kid if it's yours. Doesn't matter if it's from the wife or the goomah is still a part of you.

[Jauronimo]

Try to save your relationship, but you must respect her wishes and live with your actions. She doesn't owe you anything. Get the paternity test.

 

I'm sure it seems like all is lost, but the one thing that cannot be taken away from a man is ability to choose how he responds in any situation. You're going to have to carry some weight, for a while. It is going to suck, but you're going to have to find a way to make peace with yourself. Forgive yourself for what you were not yesterday, and vow to be better tomorrow.

 

Also, stop name dropping. Why do I know what suits you wear, what shirts you prefer, what watch you had, and what purse your girlfriend owns? Not a good look for a man of 39 years of age. You're about to be a father, for !@#$s sake. Grow up.

[WotAGuy]

I am empathetic, as someone who made many such mistakes in my marriage that caused incredible pain and harm to both sides.

 

But from that experience I also have a question - if you are so in love with your partner of 8 years, as you describe, why would you act out in that fashion? There's something wrong with that picture, and before you commit to making amends and proclaiming your everlasting dedication to her after all this....you might want to figure out why you put yourself in this position in the first place.

 

Trust me, I had to make these analyses and decisons myself, and I found it was impossible to have a healthy, loving, caring relationship until I sorted through my schitt.

 

As others have pointed out, there are higher priority issues to address, but keep that question in mind. Your responsibility to the child and the child's mother needs to be addressed first and foremost. Legal advice is imperative so you know where you stand, and what your legal responsibilities are. If you have a faith, consult someone you trust to talk about your moral responsibilities dictated by your faith.

 

You cannot make your partner feel any better about this, no matter what you say or do. The best thing you can do for her is to get your emotional house in order and figure out if your professed love for her is real or not. If she is willing to stay with you, you should make up your mind sooner than her about whether you want and can continue to be with her. Otherwise, let her go and find someone who can love her the way she needs to be loved.

 

You have a great deal of courage to fess up to all this to family, friends and your anonymous family here. That honesty will serve you well as you move forward.

 

God bless you!