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Darlene Don't Believe In The No-Win Scenario

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead
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ICanSleepWhenI'mDead Veteran

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

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Some things in the universe just can't be explained. Take my sister Darlene, for example. Some of you know that she was born early, and didn't get 'nuff air. So she has special needs, but she also has a gift. It's kinda like how some autistic kids are idiot savants at math (think Rain Man), only different. The day momma had Darlene, the Bambino died - - yeah, Babe Ruth, the guy who pointed to the outfield with his bat and called his home run shot. Maybe that has sumthin' to do with why Darlene has always been fascinated with sports. She just kinda has a taser-like focus whenever sports are on TV - - even when the Tide is up by 35 late in the game.

 

This one time years ago, she mumbles "Forget Ralph Sampson, bet the farm on Chaminade." Sadly, we didn't know what she meant at the time. But I regress. The point is, I've been a Bills fan for years, so Darlene seen most of there games. Yesterday, on the last Patriots drive, I got excited when we held the Pats to a late field goal.

 

Me: "A TD drive that uses up the clock, and we win!"

Darlene: "Just wait"

 

Spiller turns a short crossing pattern into a big gain AND gets out of bounds:

 

Me: "We got a real shot at this!"

Darlene: "Just wait"

 

Fred Jackson takes a wicked hit, fumbles, and four Patriots jump on the ball, but Eric Woods comes out of the scrum with it:

 

Me: "I'm tellin' ya, it's payback day. We're gonna take 'em!'

Darlene: "Just wait"

 

On 1st down with no timeouts left, Fitzgibbons barely misses Chandler in the end zone:

 

Me: "Their playin' smart - - they know they gotta take shots at the end zone - - we got time for three more!"

Darlene: "Just wait"

 

We all know what happened next. So later on I'm tellin' one of my brothers about how we are just snake-bit and things are friggin' hopeless because nothin's ever gonna change while Ralph still owns the team - - "It's a no-win scenario" I says.

 

Darlene looks me straight in the eye and says:

 

"I don't believe in the no-win scenario - - fire Nix and hire William Shatner."

 

So I'm thinkin' Darlene has finally gone totally over the edge - - hiring an actor as GM makes no sense at all. But then I figured on it some more, and I think I know what she meant.

 

See, turns out Darlene was also lookin' over my shoulder at the TV durin' all them Stars Wars episodes. So she seen the one where Captain Kirk beats the "no-win" Kobayashi Maru scenario by changing the programming of the simulator.

 

A lot of people think Ralph meddled with many football decisions over the years (it is his team after all), and the future of the franchise is murky after he's gone. So any GM of this team has to face the no-win scenario, just like Captain Kirk did.

 

So if Captain Kirk was GM of the Bills, could he change the rules of the game enough to beat the no-win scenario? I think he could. Here's one obvious example:

 

Ralph will meddle with QB drafting decisions, ensuring that we never get a franchise QB till he's gone. While we could tribble about the precise details, the obvious way to surmount that obstacle is to change the rules of the game to make what we currently call a "franchise QB" less important to winning the game. Maybe we get the rules committee to protect the QB less - - pretty soon nobody's got a "franchise QB." That evens the playing field for us - - what's good for the goose is good for the gander, just like in Genesis.

 

Or maybe we convince Goodell that WRs are all prima donnas, and the game will be easier to market overseas if we make high-character electrifying runners like Spiller more featured. Goodell could do that - - who cares how? Make him believe the NFL needs more more Walter Peytons and Jim Browns, and less Plaxico Burri, and our future is suddenly much brighter, in spite of Ralph.

 

The doctors say Darlene's condition prevents her from having what lay people consider a normal "brainstorm." When someone like her has one, it's just as smart, but it smells funny to her because her old-factory senses are affected. In her mind, it's a "fart-storm."

 

I think Darlene had a great fart-storm. How do you think Captain Kirk could work within the constraints of Ralph's ownership, and turn this medee-okra team into a winner?

 

I've got a few ideas, but I'm interested in yours.

Rubes All Pro

Rubes

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Posted

this thread hasn't gotten nearly enough attention. or at least responses. nice work.

 

I agree. That was pretty entertaining.

 

PaattMaann Veteran

PaattMaann

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Posted

i enjoyed the story and post until you started talking Trekkie, then I tuned out so Im not sure what the point was..then you started babbling about changing rules and the Sheriff and I lost track of the argument....

 

what I will take from it is, all hope is not lost.....

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead Veteran

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

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Is this what Darlene looks like?

 

http://brianholmes.f...ecog-agatha.jpg

Reports are - - - that's just a minority opinion. C'mon man, I can talk about Darlene 'cause she's family. If you want to fantasize about what she looks like, I guess it's a free country (long as you don't try to start a humorous Bills thread on the main TSW message board), but keep it to yourself.

___________________________________________________________

 

And to any mod who happens to read this:

 

Not even an icon to show that this thread was moved to OffThe Wall, even though it specifically talks about the most recent Bills game, Nix, Ralph, and asks for Bills related responses? Your rules, not mine, but somebody please 'splain to me why this thread was moved.

Edited by ICanSleepWhenI'mDead
  • 2 months later...
ICanSleepWhenI'mDead Veteran

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

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Darlene says that if William Shatner was our GM, he could have hired Kirstie Alley to be Aaron Maybin's strength and conditioning coach. There is no doubt she could have put some meat on his bones. Just compare her svelte role with Shatner in "Wrath of Khan" with the whale who later was on "Dancing With The Stars." All she had to do was put him on her own diet, and the guy would now be able to set the edge and not just run around people.

 

Maybe the Bengals will hire her:

 

http://www.profootballweekly.com/2013/01/25/bengals-sign-olb-maybin

Cugalabanza All Pro

Cugalabanza

Posted
Posted (edited)

"It's hard to win in the Kobayashi Maru scenario."

 

I like Darlene's ideas. The Bills definitely do need more "Shatner." Those guys in the early 90's had the Shatner. I don't know where it went, but they gotta get it back.

 

Kirstie Alley, I'm not so sure. Although she had her heyday around the same time as the Bills, so maybe there's a connection there too. Maybe George Wendt for offensive line coach.

Edited by gringo starr
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