Brand J Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Hello Bills nation. I'll be querying a Sit-com pilot shortly, seeing if I can get TV Agents/Managers to bite. Before sending it out, I want to make sure I've hit every area of comedy possible! So if you have the chops, the time, and the interest, I would appreciate a read, as well as a little feedback. Here's the info: TITLE: JustUS COURT GENRE: Situational Comedy LOGLINE: Francis P. Crotchett, judge of the hottest show on daytime television, takes no prisoners inside his courtroom. No case is too big, no story too complex, no personality too challenging... until he goes home. SYNOPSIS: Judge Crotchett is old, ornery, and quips like a comedian. According to daytime television ratings, he's also lovable. In his small claims courtroom, justice is served the right way: swiftly and fairly. For all his knowledge and success in settling court cases, he struggles where his domineering personality is needed the most: the Crotchett Estate. Forced to juggle a neighbor from hell, a paparazzi stalker, a precocious, demon seeded granddaughter, and his own problematic "adult" son and daughter, maintaining order within, as well as outside his household, proves quite challenging. Fortunately, he has a French maid, a Bailiff, and a loving wife who pitches in from time to time, to ease his burden of troubles. Sometimes though, these three are not enough... *Yes, I do have writing skills! To alleviate your worries, I've included the first five pages: OVER BLACK: JustUS COURT Case No. CSM-01-00001 Chase Ryder vs Ophelia Gentry OPENING STATEMENT FROM BLACK: INT. JUSTUS COURT - COURTROOM - DAY A SMALL CLAIMS COURT MADE FOR TELEVISION. CHATTER EMANATES FROM AUDIENCE MEMBERS, AS THE BAILIFF (40S), A MOUNTAIN OF A MAN, MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT BEFORE THE COURT. BAILIFF All rise! Court is now in session. The honorable Francis P. Crotchett presiding. JUDGE CROTCHETT (60S), ENTERS THE COURTROOM IN A LONG, BLACK ROBE. HE HAS A NARROW, BIRD-LIKE FACE. WEARS BIFOCALS THAT MAKE HIS EYES APPEAR EVER SO BEADY. HE SITS. BAILIFF (CONT'D) Parties have been sworn in, Judge. (TO AUDIENCE) You may be seated. JUDGE CROTCHETT READS FROM THE DOCUMENTS ON HIS BENCH. JUDGE CROTCHETT Alright, Mr. Chase Ryder, you are suing... (LOOKS UP; CONFUSED) Chase Ryder? Is that your legal name, sir? CHASE RYDER (30S), STANDS BEHIND A LECTERN THAT READS "PLAINTIFF". PAPERS ARE SCATTERED. UNORDERED. A DIRECT REFLECTION OF CHASE: SCRAGGLY AND SLOPPY IN HIS ATTEMPT TO BE DEBONAIR. CHASE Yes, your honor. JUDGE CROTCHETT It's not a stage, or a porno name, or something of that nature? CHUCKLES FROM THE AUDIENCE. CHASE Huh? JUDGE CROTCHETT Says here you work in the Adult Entertainment industry. CHASE Yeah, I'm a photographer. I take the pictures. But what's that gotta do with my case, Judge Crotch... (OOPS) et. BAM! BAM! BAM! THE JUDGE REPEATEDLY SLAMS HIS GAVEL. JUDGE CROTCHETT ORDER! OR-DER! Now you listen carefully, Mr. Ryd... (MOCKING) er. This is my courtroom. You will not question me inside my courtroom. When I cross-examine you, assume my queries are pertinent to this case. If you challenge my authority again, I will hold you in contempt and throw your case to the wolves... Understood? JUDGE CROTCHETT SIZES HIM UP. WITH HIS BEADY EYES. CHASE Yeah I understand, your honor. JUDGE CROTCHETT Very well. You are suing the defendant, Mrs. Ophelia Gentry, in the amount of four thousand dollars, for damages related to your vehicle. The burden of proof is upon you, sir. You have the floor. CHASE Alright, well, I was in the front of my yard taking care of business, when I heard a loud-- JUDGE CROTCHETT Taking care of business? What do you mean by that, sir? CHASE MIMICS THE SNAPPING OF PHOTOS. JUDGE CROTCHETT (CONT'D) Oh, I see. Proceed. CHASE So like I was saying, I heard a loud crash. Like metal on metal. So I spun around, right? And found the defendant's car slammed into the back of my 2011 BMW 5 Series. I ran like a-- JUDGE CROTCHETT Your vehicle was parked on the street? CHASE Yes, your honor. So I ran like a-- JUDGE CROTCHETT Are you certain it was indeed the defendant's vehicle? CHASE Judge, that cat lady's the only one in my neighborhood who drives a 1970 Hearse. That death machine sliced through my Beamer like butter. JUDGE CROTCHETT Very well. Mrs. Gentry, how do you respond to the allegations brought against you? OPHELIA GENTRY (80S), STANDS BEHIND A LECTERN THAT READS "DEFENDANT". SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SINGLE DOCUMENT, OR SHRED OF EVIDENCE PRESENT. OPHELIA (SMILES) Yes, sir. AWKWARD SILENCE. OPHELIA HOLDS HER SMILE. JUDGE CROTCHETT Well go ahead, madam. You have the floor. OPHELIA I beg your pardon, sir! I am NOT poor! LAUGHTER FROM THE WATCHING AUDIENCE. JUDGE CROTCHETT I said, "you have the floor", madam, which means you may speak. You're in court, Mrs. Gentry. Justus Court. Defend yourself against the allegations brought against you. SHE WEARS A WORRIED LOOK. SHAKES HER HEAD, "NO". OBVIOUSLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. JUDGE CROTCHETT (CONT'D) (TO CHASE) Do you have your estimates? CHASE For the repairs? JUDGE CROTCHETT No. For the math problems my grandson solved last night. CHUCKLES FROM THE AUDIENCE. JUDGE CROTCHETT (CONT'D) Why are we here, Mr. Ryder? Of course I'm referencing the repairs. THE BAILIFF RETRIEVES THE ESTIMATES. DELIVERS THEM TO THE JUDGE. CHASE I got some pictures too. JUDGE CROTCHETT Mr. Ryder, do I look like some kind of pervert to you? CHASE Am I still under oath? JUDGE CROTCHETT Any pictures you have, sir, would serve best in a fertility clinic; not in my courtroom, Mr. photographer. CHASE What?! No, judge, I was talking about-- BAM! JUDGE SLAMS THE GAVEL. JUDGE CROTCHETT SILENCE! (TO OPHELIA) Madam, have you seen these estimates? PM me an email address and I'll send you the pilot episode... By the way, I have no idea why that text came out in Rainbow colors...? Edited May 13, 2012 by JayBaller10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Fong Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I think it's awesome that you did something creative and had the courage to post it online for critique. Good on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I just got home. I will read it Monday . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brand J Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 I think it's awesome that you did something creative and had the courage to post it online for critique. Good on you. Thanks Fong. That's only the first 5 pages! There's much more where that came from... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CosmicBills Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Do you want notes or just a read? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brand J Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Do you want notes or just a read? Hey TGreg, notes would be much appreciated! If you (or anyone else) needs notes on one of your projects, I'm pretty astute in that area as well. Usually do script swaps on Done Deal... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CosmicBills Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Hey TGreg, notes would be much appreciated! If you (or anyone else) needs notes on one of your projects, I'm pretty astute in that area as well. Usually do script swaps on Done Deal... Sure thing ... I'm under the gun on something right now, but send it my way and I'll hit you back with thoughts as soon as I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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