birdog1960 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 man gets pulled over for speeding cop looks in the back seat where three penguins sit "you can't keep those penguins. take them to the zoo" says the cop next day he pulls the guy over again and there sit the three penguins "i thought i told you to take them to the zoo!" the man answers, "i did. tonight, i'm taking them to the opera".
GOBILLS78 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 man gets pulled over for speeding cop looks in the back seat where three penguins sit "you can't keep those penguins. take them to the zoo" says the cop next day he pulls the guy over again and there sit the three penguins "i thought i told you to take them to the zoo!" the man answers, "i did. tonight, i'm taking them to the opera". The first joke in the thread to make me smile. God I'm miserable today.
Pete Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 man gets pulled over for speeding cop looks in the back seat where three penguins sit "you can't keep those penguins. take them to the zoo" says the cop next day he pulls the guy over again and there sit the three penguins "i thought i told you to take them to the zoo!" the man answers, "i did. tonight, i'm taking them to the opera". bravo
nucci Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 (edited) Called up my plumber and tell him I got a leak in my sink. He says, Go ahead. Edited May 9, 2012 by nucci
birdog1960 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 bravo i was told this about a month ago by a 90 year old lady. it's definitely a go to for me now. tell it often and can't remember anyone not liking it.
DrDawkinstein Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 No. I don't think it's even possible to tell a joke this bad about Tim Graham. Well now you MUST post it. And if you do, I'll post a few as bad if not worse to take the heat off of you. None about Timmy though, Ive learned my lesson on the Untouchables.
eSJayDee Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Depends on the setting, as it is vulgar, I wouldn't really consider it a "go to". But, it's short & funny & it's the one I think of 1st. (Usually told w/ an impression, I might add.) So the Judge says, "I'm sorry Mr Mouse, but the Court denies your request for divorce, as we find your wife, Minnie, to be mentally competent." To which Mickey responds, "Oh, no, your Honor. I'd didn't say she was crazy. I said she was F$%#^%&ing Goofy!"
DC Tom Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Well now you MUST post it. And if you do, I'll post a few as bad if not worse to take the heat off of you. None about Timmy though, Ive learned my lesson on the Untouchables. No, you can't tell a joke worse than this. It doesn't exist. This joke is so evil, even the people who already think I'm a classless insensitive boor will be shocked at how insensitive, classless, and boorish this joke is.
Jauronimo Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 No, you can't tell a joke worse than this. It doesn't exist. This joke is so evil, even the people who already think I'm a classless insensitive boor will be shocked at how insensitive, classless, and boorish this joke is. Is it the one about 10 necrophiles, Terry Schiavo and a one legged prostitute of the Polish persuasion at the scene of Jon Benet Ramsey's murder?
DC Tom Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Is it the one about 10 necrophiles, Terry Schiavo and a one legged prostitute of the Polish persuasion at the scene of Jon Benet Ramsey's murder? No. Lemme think... Yeah it's worse.
HereComesTheReignAgain Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 An elderly couple gets back to the nursing home after a date. They are about to have sex when the woman says to the man "I have to warn you...I have acute angina" The man answers "that's good cause your breasts sure are ugly"
Taro T Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 An elderly couple gets back to the nursing home after a date. They are about to have sex when the woman says to the man "I have to warn you...I have acute angina" The man answers "that's good cause your breasts sure are ugly" I prefer the version of that one where a young man is asking his girlfriend's father for her hand in marraiage. The father responds to the young man, "I'm impressed that you've asked me for her hand, you're a fine upstanding young man, but before I give you 2 my blessing there's something I think you should know. My daughter has acute angina." "Oh, that's ok" the young man replies, "I already know that. She's got great breasts too."
HereComesTheReignAgain Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Two guys are on a week long camping trip and they are getting really sick of each other. They decide to split up for the day and meet up for dinner. One guy hikes north and the other goes south. They meet up for dinner and the guy who went North says "man, this was the best day of my life. hiked north, found a steam, and went for a swim. Saw deer drinking from the stream and eagles flying above. caught the biggest fish I've ever caught." "that is a pretty good day" said the guy who went south. "I hiked until I found some railroad tracks and followed them for a while. Found a woman tied to the tracks. Most incredible body I've ever seen! Untied her and had sex in every position pssible...Best day of my life" North hiker responds "Holy *$! that's incredible...did you get a hummer?" South guy responds "no, I couldn't find her head"
CosmicBills Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 So many to choose from, and some great ones already in this thread. A guy walks into a bar and notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar. The guy asks the bartender, "what's up with the monkey?" "Forget about it. Want a drink?" The guy does. A few rounds later he asks the bartender, "what's up with the monkey?" "Forget about it. Want a drink?" The guy does. Closing time comes and curiosity is eating the guy up. "Come on, tell me the deal with the monkey". The bartender relents, "Fine." The bartender grabs a baseball bat and opens the cage. He promptly THUMPS the monkey on the head and the monkey instantly pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him head. The guy, watching in awe goes, "Wow! That's awesome!" The bartender asks, "You want to give it a try?" The guy goes, "Sure. Just don't hit me on the head so hard."
DC Tom Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 A blonde is walking along a river. She looks across, and sees another blonde. Looks upstream and downstream, not a bridge in sight. First blonde shouts to the second, "Hey, how'd you get on the other side of the river?" Second blonde responds "What do you mean? YOU'RE on the other side of the river!"
SageAgainstTheMachine Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 No. Lemme think... Yeah it's worse. How's this compared to yours? Q: What's the easiest way to get a Jewish girl's number? A: Roll up her sleeve.
SWVABillsFan Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Q: What's the best part of 28 year old girls? A: There's 20 of them... relax...its a joke... Oh you're a very sick man. LOL
SageAgainstTheMachine Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 A vampire orders a cup of hot water at a cafe. The barista prepares it and says "I thought you guys only drink blood?". The vampire produces a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."
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