(OT) 2004: The Year that Wasn't

[RuntheDamnBall]

I whipped this up recently. It's a rough draft but I'm going to use it for a friend's publication.

 

Comments, suggestions are welcome.

 

2004: The Year That Wasn't

 

2004 was a hell of a year.

 

Perhaps the biggest news event was the U.S. election, where voters said no to a Democratic agenda that included an amendment to change the national religion to "Gay." Instead, Republicans will rule the roost for the next four years. Plans include less government, more of everything that is good and less terrorists. The "less government" plan includes a provision to cut taxes, raise social security and spend more money, which John Kerry will vote against but agree with.

 

The Democrats' one bright spot was Barack Obama, the Senator-elect from the state of Illinois, who narrowly beat Alan Keyes by 75%. The Democrats are also planning an open election for the next four years on which country to move to (Canada, New Zealand and Sweden are early contenders).

 

At the box office, "Shrek 2" cemented its place as the highest-grossing "Shrek" film of all time.

 

With the December rush to release films in time for award nominations, some of the best movies ever made received many nominations, great reviews and zero viewings. Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 made a huge election-year impact, as it stopped George W. Bush from being re-elected until November, at which point Bush snuck away with a victory in the Presidential race.

 

In music, there was a mad rush to buy Macintosh IPods because everybody had one. U2 made an appeal to the African-American community by releasing the blackest IPod yet. Alicia Keys thrilled with a new release that highlighted her authenticity, meaning she kind of sounds like Aretha Franklin. Lil' Jon accomplished the unprecedented feat of making 84% of white kids speak like him without having heard one of his records. From the middle of nowhere came Usher, who moved from humble beginnings bringing people to their seats in theatres to chart-topping stardom with several number one hits. The best song, "Yeah!" was so ubiquitous that it caused Usher's label, Arista records, to quit the music business altogether, knowing that it could never achieve such a high level of performance. Another Arista act, "Outkast," swept the Indian Grammys. The awards ceremony later filed for bankruptcy as awards had to be given to seventeen clones of Outkast member Andre 3000.

 

The sports world was rocked when the Boston Red Sox defeated the New York Yankees to win the World Series, then went on to also beat the St. Louis Cardinals. The Yankees proceeded to move to Washington, where they passed a constitutional amendment that allows them to have the rights to all Major League players. Barry Bonds used steroids made out of flaxseed oil, calling his home run records into question. In addition to an asterisk by his name in record books, baseball purists are also calling for the insertion of "Fathead" into his name for record book and Hall of Fame consideration.

 

Football continues to bring surprises as the Buffalo Bills, the NFL's worst team, are on the brink of the playoffs. Despite one-armed quarterback Drew Bledsoe, the team has made a miraculous undefeated run, where Buffalo scored more points than its opponent in every game. Until further notice, however, league is still owned by Tom Brady and coach Bill Belicheck's Patriots, though, who have been sent by God to show Man how He wishes football were played.

 

The NHL struggled as attendance hit an all-time low to begin the 2005-06 season. Sensing the void, the NBA adopted the NHL's fighting rules, and put Ron Artest in a penalty box for 365 days.

 

"Desperate Housewives" were all the rage as actress Nicollette Sheridan broke Philadelphia star wideout Terrell Owens' leg with a towel on live TV. The FCC fined the ABC network and removed all towels from NFL locker rooms.

 

Flying got more difficult this Christmas as US Airways and United took a well-deserved weekend off. With the extra days of rest, the airlines were poised to provide better service after the holidays, with promises of better tasting peanuts and stronger duct tape on all jet wings coming in the next few months.

 

It was a hell of a year.