Hazed and Amuzed Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Ehh... Love Mitch but they could've used better material in that article A few of my Favs -"You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together." -"I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military." -"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-B word! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "
The Avenger Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Every time I buy a donut at Dunkin' Donuts and they ask me if I want the receipt I think of Mitch and that bit he did.......
Doc Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 That was 7 years ago? Holy ****, where has the time gone?
DrDawkinstein Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 RIP Hedberg, great comedian and great dude. The first album is full of weird one-liners that aren't even jokes, which are my favorite. Stuff like: "I always wanted to have a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist. I think that's a good look." And a few of my all-time favorites: "Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some special rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free... I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway!" "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti! And blankets." "I like the Fed-Ex delivery man, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it!"
Cugalabanza Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Good stuff. I got to see him in person a couple times. He was great. He is missed.
Jauronimo Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 "Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman. But this can backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with but now it’s being cheapened. ‘We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let’s keep on giving… Remember that song, baby? The night I f%^*%^ you in the pet cemetery!?!"
Wooderson Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 "If you ever get lost in the woods, fugg it, build a house. I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament." "I went to the store and bought 8 apples, cashier asked if I wanted a bag. Nah man, I juggle. But if I'm ever in here buying 9 apples, fugg it bag em up!
HopsGuy Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 From memory: "In comedy, you have to start strong and finish strong. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but by the end... you're sick of 'em." Trivia: Mitch Hedberg and Marc Maron were both in "Almost Famous". Lock the Gates!
Taro T Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 RIP Hedberg, great comedian and great dude. The first album is full of weird one-liners that aren't even jokes, which are my favorite. Stuff like: "I always wanted to have a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist. I think that's a good look." And a few of my all-time favorites: "Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some special rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free... I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway!" "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti! And blankets." "I like the Fed-Ex delivery man, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it!" And the rest of that joke (paraphrasing here): the next time I am in a Subway I will order a steak sub and tell them it should be free because it is for a duck AND he wants Sunchips with it. Another favorite joke was 'I'm a comedian and spend a lot of time on the road; when I'm in a hotel room I come up with thoughts I think are funny, but if I am too far away to grab a pencil I must convince myself the joke wasn't funny.' And the last one: 'they say the ingredients in Sprite are lemon and lime. I've tried to make it and there must be more to it. Do you want some of my homemade Sprite? Not until you figure out what else is in it.' Sorry for not getting the words exactly right. But you get the jist.
Max Fischer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
DrDawkinstein Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I listened to his first album, Strategic Grill Locations, this weekend. Still so good. Wouldnt even know where to start quoting it. If you dont have it, or havent heard it, shoot me a PM.
Jauronimo Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I listened to his first album, Strategic Grill Locations, this weekend. Still so good. Wouldnt even know where to start quoting it. If you dont have it, or havent heard it, shoot me a PM. You can PM Dr.D or install spotify and listen to it right now.
DrDawkinstein Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 You can PM Dr.D or install spotify and listen to it right now. you kids and your new fangled app-lee-ca-shuns
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