Fan in San Diego

Was there a problem while I was gone ?

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

Wow, who knew it was Urban legend. Still I thought it was funny.

I should have put a wink wink on my post. I was trying to be funny sarcastic.

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm. Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

No it's a road flare.

Corona Light

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. > > > > 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. > > > > 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. > > > > 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and > apes? > > > > 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad > girls live. > > > > 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help > section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. > > > > 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? > > > > 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? > > > > 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it > considered a hostage situation? > > > > 10. Is there another word for synonym? > > > > 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" > > > > 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered > plant? > > > > 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? > > > > 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? > > > > 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will > clean them? > > > > 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? > > > > 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? > > > > 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start > speaking? > > > > 19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? > > > > 20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? > > > > 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? > > > > 22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. > > > > 23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? > > > > 24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? > > > > 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? > > > > 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? > > > > 27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? > > > > 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? > > > > 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? > > > > 30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? > > > > 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? > > > > 32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? > > > > 33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become > disoriented? > > > > 34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? > >

As in nobody ever finds out about it !

How long did it burn and how bright ? How much smoke ? I might be tempted to try it myself !

Someone said that powdered pool chlorine works best. Try that. Also WVUFootball reports he has made it work.

Deported after he serves his sentence.

How long will it burn ? Is it a super bright flame like magnesium or kind of smokey ?

RAISING BOYS a) For those who have grown children - this is hysterical! b) For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. f) For those that have girls, say an extra prayer tonight. The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Boys 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound wearing Batman underwear or a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

How did Buffalo fare from this storm ?

this guy walks in to a brothel and says " I have 2 dollars, what can I get for this much?" and the lady at the desk says " tiffany, shes cute go on in to room 3" so they guy goes in and does his thing. The next day the guy goes in again..and gets the same two dollar tiffany. This time after the guy blew his load he noticed that she had white creamy stuff comming out of her mouth and nose. So he goes up to the lady at the front counter and tells her what happened. The lady turned around and says "Donnie the dead chick is full again"

Are you using a sound system or just the tv sound ? If a sound system make sure the TV's sound is turned off.

I got a chuckle. Is Foxworthy's girlfriend from upstate NY or something ? I thought he was from the south.

I once got a severence check deposited automatically by a company that was letting me go, Dot com thing. I think it was 4 weeks pay or something extra beyond unpaid salary and vacation.. The next day they took it back automatically. To bad the Eagles didn't use automatic deposit.

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, sh-- in my face and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up, naked."

No seriously they were/are going to attempt it. A wooly mammouth isn't as scary as a T-Rex.

Cool story, thanks for the link. I remember reading some time ago about a group that was going to take DNA from a wooly mammoth and an asian elephant to try and clone a wooly mammoth. Did that ever happen ?

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

Walkin freezer in a restaurant was downright cool !

Slums of India and Africa