aussiew

I'm trying to eat lunch and got tired of the poop chute thread. Here are some laughs: Box Donation A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lemon Squeeze There once was a mature religious married woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The blushing woman said, "Yesterday after my husband left for work, my young and incredibly endowed new boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze the juice from seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog just died, could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello", says a voice, "is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking along the road into town. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps I used a poor choice of words, AD. But what can we call it when a 7 year old family Doberman kills the 10 month old infant? Sibling rivalry?

I agree - dobermans can "turn" - we've all seen those incidents on the news. Also, Kelpies are Aussie dogs. They are "herders" who will chase kids on bikes and nip their heels. I'd recommend you keep a close eye on him when he's outside your yard.

It's Saturday night. Just got back from a week long work trip. No date tonight . I'm wearing one of those white soft terry robes from Victoria Secret. $50 on sale. White fluffy slippers from Target - $8

Sounds like a wonderful trip Rock! Glad you had a great time. Good luck with the job hunt.

You should have peed on the Star. Your wife would have forgiven you...eventually.

Yup - you're right. I ate there last visit. It was extremely crowded, but the food was delicious.

A warm bath first.

Awesome! Thanks for your help.

Pics?

I'll be in DC on business next week and staying at the Embassy Suites right near the Convention Center. Can anyone recommend a top notch seafood/sushi restaurant close by? Some of my group love Sushi, but we need both because I don't do "raw". Thank you,

Where is Lana when we need her?

Olay body wash

Shower/shampoo in the morning - helps me wake up. Warm bath and shave at night - helps me sleep.

Wow - all these confusing rules make me glad that I cook.

I have the same problem over here in Dallas.

They must be snowed in. This is the off season. Why not bring back some of the old faves like FAT etc.

I guess I've missed the joke. What's with all the silent threads?? Someone please PM me and eXplain?

I missed "It's hard to say goodbye" Does anyone know where I might be able to see it? That was the one that the Bills fan submittied for the nfl.com contest right?

That's so immature!

In that case...why do y'all call it a tube steak?

Oh Crap. I wanted to go to London. In the article it said that teams will play in other countries in the future...even AUSTRALIA. That would be a long way to take the bowling ball eh Kenny?

bump

The announcement was supposed to be made during Super Bowl week. Has anyone heard "real" news yet?