Cugalabanza

Nice! I hereby nominate this as the DEFINITIVE Tom Cruise / sonogram joke, in the popular sub category of Questionable Manhood.

Glorifying the American icon: Chuck Norris _________________________________ Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

To quote Harvey Kietel in Pulp Fiction, "Let's not start s*%&ing eath other's c@s just yet, gentlemen." Let's wait until the kid throws for 200 yards in a single game first.

I just feel the need to keep saying it. I don't think that necessarily implies that TD is a failure (that's a separate discussion). I just think this team is missing the leadership ON THE FIELD that it needs. You can forget about the playoffs, but there's still some pride at stake. We still have a chance to beat up on our own division and win some games. I like that JP got pissed off at the media--that's a good sign. I'd like to see some other players take a little time off from bragging about how great they are individually and show some accountability for the scoreboard.

I think it's funny how these Tom Cruise medical debates play out in the media, as if Tom Cruise were anything other than the borderline-"Dawgged", in-the-closet, space-alien-worshipping jackass that he is. It's very fortunate for him that his stupid smirky face has some weird hypnotic effect on a category of dumb broads who happen to comprise a valuable marketing demographic. What a tool!

We need to get this guy working on the search for the elusive "Brown Note."

Hmmm... I wonder what the consistency of that crap in their pants might be... Perhaps SOFT?!

Cute & Huggably.

So we should stop saying it? Silence is acquiescence, my friend. Soft, soft acquiescence.

I don't think it's even possible to mount a decent argument against this statement. What else do you say about a team that regularly fizzles in the second half (especially the 4th quarter) and that cannot win a single game on the road? SOFT!

I never had much success with the bar pick-ups, but from what I've witnessed, the one rule for success seems to be: The more obnoxious and disrespectful you act towards a woman, the more likely she is to go home with you.

Hey!

This is all due to the phonemenon referred to by sociologists as the "Bon Jovi Principle." Basically, the dumbest portion of a given culture will be hijacked by the corporate happy meal, hot-pocket pap machine. It can be seen as a valuable sociological device in that it keeps the dull normals occupied with harmless activities and confined in easily recognizable pockets of low-grade idiot behavior. It is advisable for discerning, free-thinking individuals to disregard the entire moronic business.

Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, meet me at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open.

I hope I never see this. But If I do, I hope I happen to have about 15 cartons of eggs on me.

That's encouraging. I guess I just live in a lame neighborhood.

Wow, you're way too young to be this bitter. I love Halloween (and I think The Birds is a good movie too, by the way). The only depressing thing is that hardly any kids seem to care about Halloween any more. I had a whole stevestojan-load of candy to give out, but only one sorry-ass group of kids knocked on our door. Only two of the four kids was even in a costume. Maybe it's just here in Atlanta, but these damn kids today... I don't know if they're gonna make it.

That's a really good idea. My girlfriend used to work at that place. They have a great beer list. I like that you can get tater tots instead of fries.

How the hell did you know? Was that you over there hogging the punch bowl and flirting with my doctor's receptionist?

The nurses were really really unattractive (and mean!). The receptionist was hot though. I remember I kept wanting to leave the spot where the nurses had me and go over to the party area to talk to the receptionist, but I couldn't move with my pants down and everything.

You arrive at your doctor's office. They tell you the doctor isn't in today, so the nurse will do the tests. The nurse tells you your health is too high by one centimeter. She refuses to explain any further. When say you don't understand, she says, "don't you know what a centimeter is?" Then she starts intentionally mumbling nonsense questions. When you say you can't understand, she asks if you've ever been diagnosed with "muted sensibilities." Then, a birthday party for the receptionist breaks out with balloons and confetti and the nurse leaves you standing in the waiting room with your pants around your ankles and needles in your arms. Then, you see your doctor there and he's limping badly. He limps over to you with a drink in his hand, wearing a party hat. You ask him what's wrong with his leg. He says "I can't understand a word you're saying." Then you say, "That's funny--there was a birthday party here the last time I was here also." Then the doctor says he'll have to get back to you about that.

Doesn't matter. Our coaches are so classy, not only would they not run up the score, they prefer not to take advantage of an opponent's weaknesses. That would be poor sportsmanship.

So true! I'm 35 and I still feel like egging those bastards' houses.

I have no problem with it at all. Maybe if it was in Buffalo, that would be a different story. I say the Raider fans that bothered to show up deserved something to keep them excited all the way to the end. If the Bills (and Bills fans) want something to whine about, they should start with the fact that their team only shows up for the first quarter each week.