Cugalabanza

This is where Descartes goes on to try to prove the existence of God. He says that anything he is certain about is true. Then he says he's certain that God exists and is good. Then he says that the reason he can be certain of his knowledge about these things is that God exists and would not let him be deceived about it. Bad circular reasoning. It's an incredibly poor argument. So bad, in fact, that some philosophers say that Descartes just threw that God stuff in there to appease the churchy types who had a lot of power at the time and might have had him killed as a heretic if they suspected he was an agnostic.

Descartes wanted to determine what, if anything, he could know for certain. He decided that he could question just about anything--all the objects you perceive around you might not be real--it's possible that you're dreaming or hallucinating them. The one thing he found it impossible to doubt was his own mind's existence. ("I think, therefore I am.") It's popular for contemporary philosophers to reject even this because they claim the "mind" or "self" is dubious. They would allow that THINKING EXISTS, but not necessarily that that implies a "thinker."

I'm no theologian, but it seems to me that the conception of God posited by the Cosmological Argument ("that which no greater can exist...") necessarily implies that God not only exists and has a penis, but that it is magnificent! The question of whether or not He would need or be improved by a boob job remains a topic of heated discussion within the community of Biblical scholars.

Is that what you call it?

Philosophically speaking, I don't think it's a contradiction. Really, it's all about the progress of science. I mean, who better to ask about chickens with fake boobs than a human with fake boobs. It's the Scientific Method at work. I suspect Pamela Anderson will be awarded some kind of huge grant from the international scientific community to study in greater depth the potential for fake boobs on an interspecies level. It's another great example of how far the human race has come. And it's all thanks to science. Someday soon, science will be able to stop aging. Then maybe I'll be around for a thousand years. By then, we'll probably have the technology to do something really revolutionary, like put fake boobs on God himself. That's the dream anyway.

Don't mention it.

I'm amused by people who talk about how they're amused by people who talk about being amused by press conferences. I hope my being amused by this is amusing to someone else.

I think you need to take a second with this karma business and think it through a little more carefully.

That was piss-poor. That had "I'm-a-primodonna-I-block-when-I-feel-like-it" written all over it.

Peace can be overrated. Orson Welles in The Third Man: "In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed — they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

Nope, but I've been with the same girl for 7 years, lived together for 4. So, technically, she is in possession of my testicles, but I still hold the deed.

Wow, I used to look up to you.

Oh dear god, no!

Sun BAAAAD! Sun melt ice in drink. Make drink taste too weak.

There's an official diagnosis for what you have. It's called the Old Milwaukee Flu.

Nope. I actually like it when people value real life over their job. We should all play hooky more often.

God, I admire you.

Dwight's father battled high blood pressure and obesity. A different kind of battle.

I totally need to get this hat I know some of you are starting to think about Christmas gift ideas... Just sayin'...

And this from today's Straight Dope

I guess it's true what my grandma used to say: You can sew a dead guy's penis on to yourself, but don't expect to have the same level of sexual satisfaction that you had before your penis got cut off the first time.

TKO is gonna have a huge game this week. The reporters will be all over him. He'll be beating them off with both hands.

Coach Juaron to team: Ok, men, we got an easy one this week, so let's not wear ourselves out out there. Let's take it easy and try to keep these uniforms nice and tidy, ok? Alright, gather around---one, two, three, PHONE IT IN! [sorry, I'm just trying, through sarcasm, to bust the jinx you brought]

Coach: [answering the phone] Cheers. Ok, wait a minute, I'll check. Is there an "Ernie Pantusso" here? Sam: That's YOU Coach. Coach: Speaking. [Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers] Sam: Who's your secret admirer? [Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does] Carla: None of your damn business! Coach: What'd she say? Sam: "None of your damn business." Coach: [angry] Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball? Sam: You DID, Coach. Coach: Oh, then we're even. Coach: My friends call me "Coach", but my other nickname is Red. Customer: Why? Because your hair used to be red? Coach: No, because I read a book.

I'm sure they're aware and that it is being consumed for fuel as we speak.