Cugalabanza

Ziss life, she is a strenje mistress, no? Who can be hoppee all dee time in a world such as zeess one, eh?

You're probably right, but I can picture this happening on her first day... OTHER INMATES: So, what are you in for? MANCOOKER: My boyfriend cheated on me so I killed him and served his flesh to our neighbors. OTHER INMATES: All hail the new queen of the cell block!

Helen Hunt in The Quarterback Princess CON: weak arm, injury prone, moody, questions about which teammate gets to take her to the prom are a distraction to the team PRO: sweet tushy, smells nice

Mystic River. I saw it in the theatre because the reviews were so great. Afterwards, I couldn't stop puking for 10 days. They put me in the hospital and hooked me up to IV's just so I wouldn't die of dehydration. Then it was another month before I felt like walking or speaking again. Another six months of intensive therapy to teach me how to trust art again. I'm better now, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming for Sean Penn to shut up? Why won't he shut up?

The Huge Letdown Just Past The Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow: A Pessimist's Story

Tom Donahoe, Mike Mularkey and Sam Wyche walk into a bar... just as a huge brawl breaks out. Wyche, the voice of reason, steps up and says, "we should break this up before somebody gets hurt," but Mularkey pushes him aside and begins constructing an elaborate catapault contraption which he insists will catch everybody off guard and win the fight instantly. However, his hand slips on the rope and he accidentally flings himself right out the window. Donohoe, who has been observing the action, identifies all the most competent fighters and offers them wads of cash to go to a different bar. By now, the place is in ruins and the remaining customers begin bickering about how this is no longer a cool place to hang out.

Message to kids: Go ahead and take steroids.

The history of sandwiches Man, do the Jews ever do anything that doesn't remind them of their suffering? Sheesh!

It's ok. They're just going away to live on a nice farm where they can run around and play with other nice football teams.

Sandwiches are funny. No one knows why. They just are.

I find her attractive.

Lucky bastard. Side note: How come Lou Reed doesn't get more credit? He belongs in the discussion of greatest songwriters in my opinion.

From the National Wildlife Foundation: The ANOREXIC SOCIALITE FLOOZY General Precautions: Keep in mind that the Anorexic Socialite Floozy wants to avoid you as much as you want to avoid her. Know that twilight, night and dawn are when they are most likely to be active, although encounters can occur at any time. Be especially cautious if the Anorexic Socialite Floozy is encountered far from its natural habitat of fancy exclusive nightclubs and private mansions--this will increase the likelihood of a Floozy attack. One should never, under any circumstances, try to feed the Anorexic Socialite Floozy. The sight of food will cause the specimen to become very unpredictable and possibly violent. If the Anorexic Socialite Floozy feels threatened, she will become aggressive. Back away from the animal slowly and carefully. If you antagonize the Anorexic Socialite Floozy, she will attack by attempting to perform fellatio, thereby spreading her dreaded herpes virus.

Internet superstar gringo starr passed away yesterday when he was suddenly defenestrated during a botched auto-erotic self-asphyxiation episode. He is survived by a bunch of hot-heads on some message board.

That's pretty funny. However, I don't really think science can help us against this horrific force of nature. Just recently, my girlfriend stopped talking to me for three days because of something she says I did IN A DREAM SHE HAD! Where was your precious science then, huh?

You forgot pretzel-choking

I think you should check your dosage. She has a very pretty face in my opinion.

Wow! This would definitely be in the running for BOTY.

Oh my God!

Two words: CAPRI SUN

She's so out of her freaking mind! She's about 6 months away from being that crazy old cat-throwing lady from The Simpsons.

It's that controversial Paris Hilton Diet (nothing but cocaine, valium, vodka and semen) she's been on. You'd be a little light-headed too.

Shemommanow

Sadly, no. Not nearly as good looking as her sister, Shegonna.

At the grocery store, my cashier's name... Shewanna. No kidding. It was on her name tag and it printed on the receipt.