CosmicBills

Two in a row, baby! Jack Diesel certainly lived up to the billing, leading the team in tackles. And Sloth and Darin's new training regiment paid off! More to come today ... but a good win by the Meatballs!

The coaches were so impressed they're giving Diesel a starting nod this week.

Excellent news. From his hospital bed, Cash has given the thumbs up -- with his pimpin' thumb so you know he's pleased.

HFBD!

Here is what the report and breakdown was ... welcome to share yours! (Congrats by the way ... we'll get you guys next year assuming we aren't dropped or you aren't promoted to the next league -- a rule which sucks in my opinion). If you notice, your team's game winning TD came on the short pass that the scouting report warned us against. ------------------------------- Coach has presented the following analysis of our upcoming opponent, the Longnecks: Scouting: OFFENSE: The Longnecks really opened it up last week, relying on their excellent QB to tear apart the 76ers secondary. It was their second game under the direction of VA Bills and he has favored the medium to short passing routes in both of their victories. Their running game has potential, but their interior O-Line hasn’t been able to open up holes. Truth be told, the coaching staff has a tendency to give up on the ground attack early on, content with airing it out. DEFENSE: This Defensive unit is led by their excellent Defensive Ends and strong secondary. Their CB play of late has really made it difficult on opposing WRs. However, in both victories, they showed susceptibility to the ground attack – particularly up the middle. Game Plan: OFFENSE RUNNING GAME (58%): Our running game helped lead the way last week, and will be counted on to do the same this week. The Longneck’s strength lies with their DE’s and LBs, but they do not have much depth within their front 7. To this end, our main focus will be wearing out their interior front 7 with our two exceptional RBs. With the duel threat of The Glow and Just Win, we are going to pound the ball up the middle (68%) to take advantage of our superior Center Mr. Dangler and Guards Chubbs Peterson and Bucky Bundles. We will try to use The Glow on the outside rushes (32%) to take advantage of his speed. Controlling the clock with our running game will be crucial to helping alleviate the pressure put on our defensive unit with the high scoring Longneck offense. PASSING GAME (42%): Tyrone Slothrop has been coming into his own, and with the development of Smalls and Banks as well as the additions of Jobu and James T Kirk, we have 4 fantastic WRs to get the ball to. In order to win this week, we are going to have to air it out and take some chances. Despite the strong CB play on the other side of the ball, the Longneck’s have given up some deep throws. As a result, we are changing tactics from last week. Only 27% of our pass plays will be short routes. 47% will be medium routes, taking advantage of the underneath and middle zones. We will take more shots down field (26%) this week as well, hoping to play off the mismatches our WR corps will create. Most opponents have played scared – we won’t make that mistake against the Longnecks this week. We’re going to pound the ball AND take some deep shots. DEFENSE BLITZ PACKAGE (22%): Once again we are going to rely on our front 4 to create most of the pressure. The addition of Bring Da Rukus should help create interior pressure against the Longneck’s O-Line. More importantly, most of the Longneck’s passes have been short passes which have turned into big gains by taking advantage of overzealous opponents. RUN DEFENSE (40%): Watching game footage has revealed that despite the outstanding Longneck Offensive line, the coaching staff has little confidence (or patience) with their running game. They tend to run up the middle more, allowing their guards to clear a path. The coaches feel our front 4 is good enough to keep our LBs blocker free and allow Krunch and company to make plays. We’ll be aiding the inside game by anticipating 53% of the rushing calls to come inside and 47% to come to the outside. Since we’ll be looking for the Longnecks to pass first and ask questions later, it’s imperative that our D-Line clog up multiple blockers and that our LBs make the one on one tackles this week. PASS DEFENSE (60%): The myth has been that the Longnecks air it out deep against opponents. The game film doesn’t reveal this to be true. Instead, the majority of their passing plays focus on the underneath routes and allow their game breaking TEs and WRs to break tackles and make opponents miss. To counter this, we’re going to play more zone this week, hoping to create gang tackle situations in the secondary. We’ll be in zone 51% of the time and Man up 49%. With our limited blitzing package, there should be no excuse for the short Longneck passes to turn into big gainers. 39% of our calls will focus on the underneath routes, with 46% focused on the medium passes. We’re going to gamble that our CBs can stay with their WRs on the edges and only call 15% of our defensive packages vs the long ball. In the end, I think we have a great shot to shock the world this week. Our team might not be as good on paper, but we have more depth and a great game plan! GO MEATBALLS!

Well, the Meatballs played hard and hung with the Longnecks throughout the game. We refused to give up, even when trailing 10-0 early. Our defense played great but at the end of the day we didn't make enough plays on offense. Good game, be sure to rest your players AND level them up if anyone increased! Write up to follow.

Scouting report is up in our private forums. To any PPPers who are reading this, I wish you a good, fair game. (and prepare to lose)

I wouldn't respect you if you didn't do that!

I would like to do a full scouting report as normal -- but might just do it in our team's private forum to prevent any sort of spy-gate cheating Or I might just wait till the game starts simulating to post it. But fear not, the coaches have been burning the midnight oil and we are confident in our gameplan and ability to roll over the PPPers! Though, since the game is in their stadium, I am advising all our players NOT to drink from their water bottles as VA Bills likes to spike it with ICEd Lemonade. Or so I hear.

Genny Screamers for all!!!! The Longnecks don't even have us on their radar. We're going to give them a wake up call tomorrow!

Happy to have you!!! Right now I have you as the number 2 at both MLB and OLB which means you'll get between 30 to 45 snaps on D and starting on ST.

If anyone feels up to creating more players, we still need some role players. We could use some depth at: OL (all positions) WR (one more would give us 4 good human WRs) DL (DE, maybe another DT) FB (as much as I love Houston Wang, this would be starting) LB (some backups) FS/SS Again, except for FB it would be for depth, but a lot of the second/third stringers get lots of snaps (especially OL and LB it seems).

ESPN MARCH 28, 2008 MEATBALLS ROLL OVER THE TWERPS 28-3 By Clyde Writington When Fat Daddy Ca$h cashed in his stable of working girls to buy a professional football team and then suddenly moved them from Eidenhoven to Stokcholm, no one in the sporting world was quite sure what to make of it. Was this a crooked man trying to go straight or just a cosmic joke at the fans' expense? What sort of talents could a former Pimp bring to a front office? After last week's debacle in Mairselles where Ca$h transported his team via horseback and suffered an embarrassing 31-17 thrashing at the hands of the 76ers, many critics took it as a sign that Ca$h was nothing more than a neophyte with too much money and not enough savvy to turn the basement dwelling Meatballs into contenders. Other league owners just shook their heads at the debacle including Fez of the Brussels Cows who has Cash's nephew on his team's roster. "I just don't get it. Why buy the worst team in the league when you could have bought a contender? And what sort of owner wears bling and drinks O.E?" Fez asked during a recent interview. Longneck's owner VA Bills was less concerned with wardrobe and more concerned with the fiscal responsibility of a former street hustler, "We need conservative owners, with conservative fiscal plans to bolster the league. Not owners who feel free lap dances are a viable option for fan-giveaway night." Cash didn't wait long to start shaking up the roster after the loss to the 76ers. He started cutting players during the bus ride back to Stockholm. Over 20 veterans were giving walking papers by Cash before the buses even crossed the Swedish boarder. While some players were given the courtesy of a conversation with Cash before being cut, others were simply left at various gas stations and diners along the roadside. For other cuts Cash relied on text messages and atomic wedgies to make his point. But trimming the roster of dead weight was only the beginning. Intent on creating a competitive roster, Cash also employed his scouts to scour the streets for new blood. The coffers opened early and often after the 76ers loss. The Meatballs came to terms with over 20 new players, almost all of whom became instant starters. Not only was the roster transformed on paper, the atmosphere in the locker room was transformed as well. Gone were the overpriced, aging veterans. In their place stepped men with chips on their shoulders and several tons of red meat in their guts. Both sides of the trenches were beefed up with terrifying human specimens such as Snot Dangler, Jock Strap, Bucky Bundles and Darin from Alaska who reportedly was banned from collegiate football for carrying a small firearm during a game. The skill positions also were injected with new blood -- fast blood -- as Rick Stickum, Chris Money, White Onrice, Pico De Gailo bolstered the team's secondary and the team's felony counts. Despite the changes to the roster, the questions still hung around the Meatballs' neck. Toting a 1-7 record and a 6 game losing streak (though the team was only 0-1 since Cash purchased and moved the team to Sweden) into Stockholm's home opener, many critics expected another disaster. Antwerp, fresh off a stunning upset victory themselves, looked like a tough match up for the Meatballs considering how little time was given for their players to gel. "We don't have time to worry about that," Snot Dangler, the team's new pivot man said, "I'm more worried about Strap's stank breath. I think he has halitosis or something. You try lining up against that foulness every day." The Meatballs wasted no time showing they were a changed team. In a scoreless first quarter, the Meatball D stiffened and shut down the Twerps mighty passing game. Parker Smith was held to under 30 yards passing and faced relentless pressure from Stockholm's D-Line. riCan Havoc, Jock Strap and Gut Maximus constantly collapsed the pocket, hurrying Smith's throws while Rick Stickum and Chris Money blanketed the Twerps WRs. Holding the Twerps running game in check was also a positive change as the revamped LB core led by Captain Krunch pounded their opponents with merciless hits. Stockholm's offense managed several good drives but failed to score. Still, the newly formed OLine dominated the trenches as Snot Dangler had 2 pancake blocks on the first drive helping to aid new HB The Glow as he broke of several big gainers. Tyrone Slothrop was steady under center, finding Glow out of the backfield for a couple nice gains and connecting with his new TE Greg Harris. Other than Smalls' 8 yard gain, Slothrop was unable to hookup with his big play WRs. The Meatballs' offensive line dominated the second quarter as Chubbs Peterson and Big Poppa Scrilla both opened holes for Derick Reef and Glow. Each back would score in the quarter, giving the Meatballs a surprising 14-0 lead. Slothrop began to click with his WRs in the second frame, hooking up with Smalls and Banks several times. The rookie also threw the first pick of his career. Thankfully the Defense was there to bail Slothrop out. Krunch and Havoc terrorized the twerps with 3 tackles a piece in the quarter including a couple tackles for losses. The secondary stepped up as Stickum, Money and Krunch defended several deep passes from Smith. The unit only surrendered a late FG as the team took a 14-3 lead into the locker room at half. The third quarter was scoreless as both teams' defenses were on display. Smith and the Twerps passing game got into a bit of a groove, putting up close to 100 yards in the quarter, but the bend-don't-break style of the Meatballs held them out of the end zone. "Man, it's just the women in my life" Safety Pico De Gailo said of their defensive style, "you give them enough bling to keep them happy, but you don't let them drive the car." No one is sure what that quote means, but Gailo was all smiles nonetheless. Leading 14-3, the Meatballs took over in the fourth quarter as Slothrop completed 6/7 of his passes including an 8 yard touchdown to WR Keanu Erwin who broke a tackle and dove into the end zone on a thrilling play. The offensive line continued their domination as Jr. Knapp made the play of the game as he broke two tackles in a late game TD scamper. But the Defense was the true hero of the fourth quarter as they held the Twerps to just 18 yards and Smith to 3/14 completions. Cash did not have much to say after his team's thrilling victory. While skeptics will say it was because he was too drunk to speak, Slothrop had a different take, "True playa's don't talk trash after a win -- they just bend over and tell the critics to kiss their ass". Inspiring words by an inspiring leader.

We need more WR and CB depth and HB

We most certainly do. I'm learning the computer's idea of "short" is very different from mine! lol

Actually Earth is just a reality show itself! (Can't link direct, go to season 7, episode 4, Canceled.)

Congrats all to a game well played! I am trying to find FDC to bring him out to say a few inspirational things, but last I saw he was chasing Suzy Kolber down the hallway with a bottle of Crystal asking for more than a kiss. Write up to follow! Also, take note, everyone should adjust their training intensity to relaxed for the day. Victory Friday! Let the players heal up!

I am on my way to work ... so I won't be on till a few min after the game ends. Just a note, the Twerps were bought at the 11th hour last night. Their roster hasn't changed, but maybe their tacticts did. Still, we have a gameplan and we're sticking to it. Let's go Meatballs!!!! I'll see you all at the post game presser/party.

Wow ... I deserve to get ridiculed for that typo! It's what I get for typing during lunch. Eeek!

Apparently this flick is a stand alone episode. A monster episode without any UFOs or Aliens or mythology from the series. So technically you can just drop into it. That is one thing that made X-Files great compared to Lost. Lost you HAVE to watch every episode or you'd be ... um ... lost. But X-Files had stand alone episodes and an over-arching mythology. So an alien episode would pop up and the hard core fans would be happy. But the casual viewer would just wait till the next week when it was another monster. Such a great concept.

Coach has presented the following analysis of our upcoming opponent: Scouting: OFFENSE: The Antwerp team is computer controlled, thus making it slightly more predictable. Their team has relied on their excellent passing game in the past several games and that trend is likely to continue. Their OL is strong on the edges and suspect in the middle. They are led first and foremost by their QB. DEFENSE: The way to beat the TWERPS is on the ground, particularly up the middle where they are the weakest. Their OLBs are strong and will bottle up the outside attack. The strength of the Defense lies in the secondary where an experienced CB pairing and strong Safety play makes airing it out difficult. GAME PLAN OFFENSE RUNNING GAME (53%): The Meatballs are going to focus on pounding the ball up the gut. 65% of the running calls will be to the inside, allowing our powerful guards Bundles and Peterson with Snot at the pivot to control the line of scrimmage. The remaining 47% of the carries will go to the outside as to not to become too predictable. The Glow will need to have a good game. PASSING GAME (47%): We are going to keep rolling with Slothrop and hope his streak continues. We're going to need him to be accurate and not create turnovers. Due to the tremendous talent in the Twerps secondary, 47% of the passes called will be short routes. Still, the coaches have confidence in Willie Banks and Smalls' ability to get deep. Thus, 32% will be medium while sprinkling in 21% of long passes. Most passes will go towards the WRs, allowing us to focus on their talents (55%), but the recent signings of our two top notch TE's will also get balls (24%). The Glow will get some action out of the backfield as well (20%) hoping to catch them off guard. DEFENSE Blitz Package: The blitz package will be minimum this week since we have confidence in our DL to get after their interior OL. We are counting on Jock Strap and Jasper Jones to force pressure in the middle. Our DE's draw two tough matchups this week, but they should be able to apply pressure. The coaches are going to rely on our front four and only blitz 22% of the time this week, allowing our LBs to help in the short zones. RUN DEFENSE: We are anticipating a 40/60 split from the Twerps between Run and Pass. Most of their carries should come to the outside where their massive OTs can clear a path for their speedy HB. As a result, our OLBs are going to have to man up and make some open field tackles. To assist them, we're calling a 49/51 package of inside to outside run schemes. PASS DEFENSE: The game will be won or loss in the trenches of course, but our newly formed secondary is going to have to have a tremendous game to shut down the Twerps passing attack. We feel a good mix of Zone and Man coverages will help get us the matchups we need. Thus, our coaching staff will be calling 55% zone coverage and 45% man coverage. Most of our efforts will focus on the middle to short routes with 43% of the play calls against the short passing game, 40% against the middle routes. 17% will be called deep as the coaches feel our CBs are good enough to not need TOO much help over the top. FDC

Oh ... that's interesting. I didn't know how the game worked. Did she take a lie detector BEFORE the game?

ESPN'S Clyde Writing Reports: Meatballs Enter the Frying Pan March 27th, 2008 Stockholm, Sweden The Stockholm Meatballs have not been idle since their mid season debut loss to the Marseille 76ers. Upon returning back to Stockholm, team owner Fat Daddy Cash immediately took action. Over a dozen veterans of the Eindhoven club were cut from the roster. Cash gave little warning to the veterans he cut, instead of a meeting or a phone call, the former Pimp simply sent the players a text message that read: "Scram, fugtard". Soon after the cuts, Cash was signing a flurry of Free Agents. Over 17 new players (or playa's as new CB White Onrice corrected me) were signed to the roster. Some were taken from the traditional free agent pool and colleges. Others were found in more reclusive locals such as the local Prisoner Work Release program and an Alaskan drilling colony. The massive overhaul to the roster was enough to get starting QB Tyrone Slothrop excited, "We added some mean SOBs to this roster. Smash Hammerstein got so into the last practice he broke three face-masks and a waterboy." Slothrop should be excited about the new Offensive line the Meatball front office put together. Joining fellow rookie Big Poppa Scrilla, Cash signed two new guards (Bucky Bundles and Chubbs Peterson), a massive new Center (Snot Dangler) and an anchor at right tackle named Alaska Darin. Some wondered if Darin was going to be able to beat out his competition for the RT spot. But when he was asked this question after practice, Darin responded by withdrawing a large caliber revolver and slowly loading the chamber one by one until the reporters left. On the other side of the ball, Cash was just as active. The Meatballs fortified their D-Line by adding Jack Strap and Gut Maximus. The Linebacking corps was completely overhauled with the additions of Hammerstein, John Matrix and Captain Krunch. The three backers formed an instant bond when Krunch reportedly brought them all to an all you can eat buffet at a local gentleman's club. The secondary was bolstered with the additions of Cornerbacks Chris Money, White Onrice and Rick Stickum. Pico De Gailo and Holdin MacGroin were signed to man the safety spots. Whether or not this massive roster overhaul can put a stop to the Meatballs' current 6 game losing streak remains to be seen. How much time will these new players need to gel into a cohesive unit? Cash didn't seem concerned during last night's presser, "Cohesive? Hell half these guys don't know what that word means let alone care about it. This will be the second game as team owner and I guarantee a victory for the Meatballs!"

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