WhoTom

Even on rookie contracts, the selections don't need tips from me.

The string of question marks in the subject line is too large.

More from Steven Wright: "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." "I bought some instant water, but I'm not sure what to add." "I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

That's Maury Povich.

Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

I can't light no more of your darkness All my pictures seem to fade to black and white

But I'm one I am one And I can see That this is me And I will be You'll all see I'm the one

You know my temperature's rising The jukebox blowing a fuse My heart's beating rhythm And my soul keep a-singing the blues Roll over Beethoven Tell Tchaikovsky the news

Penguins fall into the water Just to see if the water's still cold Penguins jump, just with each other To fit inside that penguin mold

A Mexican magician told the audience that he'd disappear on the count of three. He began, "Uno, dos ..." and POOF - he disappeared without a tres.

My astrologer told me not to believe in silly nonsense like chicken bone predictions.

Going where the climate suits my clothes Going where the climate suits my clothes Going where the climate suits my clothes Don't wanna be treated this-a-way

Ophelia

I've got a feeling That keeps me on my toes Oh yeah Oh yeah I've got a feeling I think everybody knows Oh yeah

Green grass and high tides forever Castles of stone, soul, and glory Lost faces say we adore you As kings and queens bow and play for you

Ah, the old "Double Reverse Psychology" ploy.

Musings of a Freelance Writer As a self-employed writer, I find that I spend much of my time getting caught up on work that was left undone by my procrastinating predecessor, Past Tom. His laziness forces me to bust ass in order to meet the high standards of my boss, Future Tom (who, just between you and me, can be kind of a prick at times). In short, the problem with being self-employed is that my employee is lazy and my boss is a jerk.

Who puked first: the Chicken Wing Man or the Egg Man?

Big wheel keep on turnin' Proud Mary keep on burnin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river

Prince Caspian Billy Breathes

That's not the funniest thing I've read today, but it's a solid #2.