Barack Obama

Let me be clear My Administration is not listening in on your phone conversations, reading your texts, or monitoring Internet message boards Nothing is ever deleted. You missed a few texts from your mother. But the important text was from that guy from Grindr, he said you should probably get checked

I haven't felt this awful since I saw that Ronald Reagan film

Let me be clear Punting a football is very different from punting responsibility

They didn't rebuild him. Somebody else made it happen

Somebody else made that happen

If you like your NATO, you can keep your NATO

What a relief. I thought this was yet another thread about me

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that hemp smoking dog

My Russia/Syria policy is not that dissimilar from Obamacare. If you like your dictator, you can keep him

Let me be clear. When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal

Let me be clear Although the election was held in November my Inauguration will not occur until later this month. Therefore any poor performance of the economy in 2012 Q4 is the fault of the previous administraaaaaaaaa. Oh wait, nevermind. My fellow Americans, we must put these racist statistics behind us and move Forward!© Imagine the increase in GDP upon the minting of a few Trillion dollar coins? Just a single coin would increase GDP from $15T to $16T, an increase of uhh uhh something like 10 Percent? I don't have the exact numbers on me at the moment because I deleted the calculator app from my Smartphone to free up some space so I could download the Find a Gun Owner app.

Let me be clear I am saddened to hear of Mr Bush's condition. And let me assure everyone, that I have learned my lesson from Senator Inouye's eulogy. I will not speak at length about myself or how former President Bush's medical condition affects me. I will not tie this to Obamacare nor will I ask contributors for $15-$1,000 in honor of former President Bush. I have received your message America and I am grateful for it. I will instead speak of former President Bush and of his family. I will speak of often of his sons George and Jeb, and briefly mention his other children that are not politically important to me.

Let me be clear I too am outraged over this whole affair. I should be well into my second week of victory laps. Instead I am expected to be held accountable for events that occurred during my administration. My fellow Americans, rest assured that I will not rest until my Administration gets to the bottom of this. Whether it was the failings of the previous administration, Big Oil, Bain Capital, or the 1%, we will determine who is to blame

Let me be clear. It is unfair that a team such as the Dallas Cowboys has 5 Lombardi Trophies while great American cities such as Cleveland, Cincinnati, Jacksonville, and Charlotte have not had a chance to share in that prosperity. Granted Nancy would never let me redistribute any of San Fransisco's trophies and Goldman Sachs might cut off the campaign funding if I were to redistribute the Giants. The Steelers and Packers, probably not a good idea to poke those areas with a stick during an election year. But there have been 56 Super Bowls with I think one to go. The fact that not every team has their fair share of trophies is a symbol of the gross inequity of the system

Let me be clear, Governor Romney will kill train service to middle class Americans. Only rich 1%ers, like my opponent, who owns a horse will be able to traverse this great nation of ours.